


If/Then

by MusicLurv



Series: The Detour [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: A bit of a rough patch, Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, F/M, Family, Happy Ending, If/Then AU, Military
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-09-27 03:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9949865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicLurv/pseuds/MusicLurv
Summary: Alexandra Woods just left a failed marriage. She was twenty-eight, leaving a marriage that she thought was a good idea, and a job that she actually absolutely hated at this point, and she was starting over.In New York City. The city of possibilities.But she really just wanted to follow some kind of plan and not have to deal with unexpected new turns in her life.Where's the fun in that, though?





	1. What If?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> If you've read my other story, The Dewey Decimal System is Not That Hard, you're in for quite a different plot in this one. We hit some tough topics a lot more than in TDDSiNTH. And the structure is going to be quite a bit different as well (and it's A LOT shorter).
> 
> That being said, welcome to the If/Then AU that no one asked for. If you've seen the musical If/Then, you'll have a sort of idea of where all this is headed. There are quite a few differences, though. And we aren't doing the dual plot like the musical does. It's kind of a combination of the two. 
> 
> Any direct quotes from the If/Then musical are property of the writers of the lyrics. I tried to change them up, but also wanted to keep them recognizable.
> 
> So, without further ado, the Clexa version of If/Then.

Alexandra was tired.

She was tired of trying and trying at a doomed to fail marriage. She was tired of going to a job every day that she hated. She was tired of living in a place that she absolutely abhorred.

She was just. so. _tired_.

So she quit. She quit it all.

Her wife, Costia, admitted that it's wasn't working as she thought.

Her boss tried to keep her on because she was the best architect he had ever had. Alexandra refused.

And the city she hated faded into the distance as she waved goodbye from the window seat of a plane destined for New York.

Her old life was finished. This was her new beginning.

*****

She met her new neighbor the day she moved into her apartment. Her name was Octavia. And she was a handful, to say the least.

But she was fun. And she was quirky. And she gave Lexa new options that she had never had before.

Which is why she was now at Maddison Square Garden, sitting at a table and eating a hotdog, just... waiting.

Octavia had asked her to meet her here for some _adventure_. And, of course, Lexa went along with it. Because starting a new life was what she wanted. And why wouldn't that include a new Lexa?

That started with accepting the new nickname. Octavia claimed that _Alexandra_ was too much of a mouthful (as compared to _Octavia_ ). So she'd call her _Lexa_.

Again, Lexa agreed. This is the new her.

She took another bite of her hotdog (something she devoutly avoided when she was going to school in New York years ago, but had since decided to enjoy because _life is too short to not enjoy the simple pleasures_ ). Her eyes scanned the faces of those around her - people darting from place to place. Some searching for something. Others contently sitting beside trees or benches or in the middle of the park just living life as they saw fit. Children ran to their guardians or chased dogs or squirrels or whatever else they thought should be chased.

People were living.

And Lexa was sitting at a picnic table, waiting for her newly declared friend to show up and take her on an _adventure_.

"Alexandra!" a familiar voice yelled over the commotion around her. Her head darted up, looking around trying to find the woman who called for her.

"Anya?" Lexa asked excitedly, standing from her bench to pull her old friend into a hug. "I didn't know you were still in this city!"

Anya pulled out of the hug and held Lexa at arms' length. "Where else would I be. Causes to fight for, people to argue with, changes to make. New York is the place to be for that."

"Of course. Why would I expect anything less from you?" Lexa motioned to the bench and Anya sat with her. "How have you been? It sounds like you've been keeping busy."

"Oh, I've definitely been busy," Anya said with a slightly annoyed tone and a roll of her eyes. She quickly shrugged off whatever was bothering her. "What's been going on with _you_ , though? The last I heard, you were swept off your feet to Arizona. Where's Costia?"

Lexa shrugged, picking at her hotdog self-consciously. "It didn't quite work out as planned."

"Sounds like there's more to that than you're saying. What happ--"

"Lexa!" Lexa's head whipped around at the sound of her neighbor calling her name.

"Lexa?" Anya asked, quirking her brow as she looked over Lexa's shoulder to see the newcomer.

"Long story," Lexa said, brushing it off as she stood to greet Octavia. "Hey, Octavia. I was wondering when you'd get here."

Octavia shrugged, eyes wandering to everything that was going on around them. "Gotta just go with the flow of things, you know? Can't always live by a strict schedule."

Lexa looked at her flatly. "Maybe saying you'd meet someone at a certain time should be kept to, though."

"Nah. Life's too fluid to try to fit it in a strict cage. Oh!" She looked behind Lexa at the woman she left sitting at the picnic table. "Who's this?"

Lexa turned, gesturing for Anya to come closer. "This is Anya. She's a friend from college. I just ran into her while I was waiting for you." She shot Octavia an accusatory look that went completely ignored.

Octavia reached forward and pulled Anya into a hug. "It's so nice to meet you!" She pulled back with a little gasp. "You're so tense. Lighten up a little, my friend."

"We're not friends."

A little shrug was her only response. "Come on, Lexa. We've got places to be and people to see. A life to live and experiences to be had!"

"I was actually hoping that, since you're here, you'd maybe join me for this rally that I'm here for," Anya said, looking to Lexa expectantly. "It's to keep this new hotshot company from tearing down low-income apartments to build new department stores. They want to build _another_ mall, Alex--Lexa," she corrected last second.

Lexa looked between the two, trying to figure out who she should go with. Her old friend, to go back to her old life, or her new friend and on to new adventures. She took a step back as they both looked at her expectantly, feeling slightly overwhelmed.

Which was when she tripped over something and ran smack into a complete stranger. And fell into their arms before she could fall flat on her ass. _Lovely_.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going," a husky voice said from behind her. She looked over her shoulder at the person who had saved her from making a complete full of herself. The woman was beautiful. There was no denying that. Blonde hair, blue eyes, an enchanting little timid smile. But that was neither here nor there.

Lexa quickly pulled herself back up to her feet and waved the woman off. "It's fine. Don't worry about it." She turned back to her friends to try to come up with a decision.

"No, it's not fine. I totally ran into you. I need to pay more attention to where I stop and drop my bag." She was gesturing down to the duffel bag at her feet when Lexa looked back to her.

It was then that Lexa realized what the girl was actually wearing.

She was clothed from head to foot in an army uniform, her duffel bag also army regulation. She raised her brows in challenge. Someone who was clearly trained for combat should probably have a bit more common sense to know not to leave their bag behind someone who didn't know they were there. "Yeah, maybe you should."

The woman blushed, scratching at the back of her neck sheepishly. "I'll work on that," she mumbled out. Lexa turned to go back to her friends again, but was _again_ stopped - this time by a hand on her arm. "Wait. Let me buy you a coffee as an apology?"

Lexa looked at her skeptically. "It's alright. I'm fine. No harm, no foul."

The woman shook her head. "You almost got seriously injured there. I can't let that go without some sort of apology."

Lexa gently pulled out of the woman's hold. "I may have gotten a bruise. But I didn't. And you already apologized."

"Are you... Are you sure?" the woman asked hesitantly. "I'd really like to take you out for a coffee."

Octavia came up beside Lexa then, throwing her arm around Lexa's shoulders. "Who do we have here?" she asked, tone betraying that she was up to something. Lexa eyed her warily.

"No one. She was just leaving." Lexa looked back to the stranger. "Thanks for catching me."

"Oh no. We can't just let it go like that," Octavia said adamantly. She stuck her hand out to the woman. "Octavia Blake, at your service. And who are you, tough, blonde, and sexy?" She quirked her brow expectantly.

Lexa brought her hand to her forehead, pulling it down her face slowly in embarrassment. "Really, Octavia?"

"Yes. Really. Now, who are you?" She continued to look at the woman.

"Uh, Clarke. Officer Clarke Griffin."

" _Officer_?" Octavia asked, clearly intrigued.

Lexa rolled her eyes, slipping out of Octavia's hold and grabbing her shoulder to turn them both away. "Yes, she said Officer. Well, it was a pleasure to... run into you, Officer Griffin. Thank you for your service," she said hastily, pulling Octavia away from the woman and back toward Anya who was watching the whole seen with feigned boredom.

"Who was that?" she asked as the two moved back to her.

"No one. Literally someone I just ran into," Lexa explained, huffing out a breath in frustration.

"Not just _no one_ ," Octavia argued, looking back over her shoulder where Officer Griffin was picking up her bag and looking longingly at Lexa. The woman turned away slowly, making her way further down the path to wherever she was headed. "That was _Officer_ Clarke Griffin. Or, as I'd like to call her Officer Hottie with a Body. Mm." She watched appreciatively as Clarke walked away from them.

" _Anyway_ ," Lexa said, slightly annoyed and beyond ready to move on. "It was great running into you, Anya, but Octavia and I already had plans."

Anya scoffed. "Octavia seems to hardly be one to make plans."

"Ah, and that's the plan itself!" Octavia said, reaching forward and tapping Anya on the nose. "To let life take us where it may. Live a little. _Meet new people_ ," she said pointedly to Lexa before continuing. "We're going to adventure into the great unknown and see where we end up, right Lexa?"

"Right," Lexa said, albeit a little hesitantly.

"She's knew to this," Octavia stage whispered to Anya.

Anya rolled her eyes. "Whatever. When you want to get back to the real _Alexandra_ , let me know." And with that, she walked away, presumably toward wherever the rally was to take place.

Lexa looked after her a little longingly. She already missed the comfort of having an actual plan for the day ahead. But no. This was her new life and she had to start living it. She shook herself out of her thoughts, turning back to Octavia.

Her phone rang in her purse and she dug through it, trying to find the damn thing. _Probably under the tampons_ , she thought with a little chuckle. The humor of life.

When she found it, she pulled it out and looked at the screen to find an unknown number.

"Who is it?" Octavia asked, curious but distracted by some street musicians playing a little ways away.

"Don't know. A New York number, though." She frowned in thought. Everyone she knew in New York should have been registered in her contacts. And she hadn't put out any job applications yet.

She shrugged and put the phone back in her purse, nudging Octavia's arm to get her attention again.

"So, where to?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter! I'm hoping to update every other day on this one, just because it's such a quick story. Almost 23,000 words, but the pace moves fast. Chapters are going to be quite a bit shorter than expected, as each one is based off of one of the songs from the musical. So some will literally be just a few paragraphs, and others will dig a little deeper.
> 
> I love comments/requests/kudos so much, and would really appreciate them on this work. You can also find me on tumblr @musiclurv


	2. It's a Sign/A Map of New York

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chance run-in with Octavia taking things a bit further. Lexa and Clarke get to know each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is encompassing two different songs from the musical, though it just touches on "A Map of New York" (because dual plots and all. But it's a good time. Enjoy!

The next day found Lexa and Octavia on a train.

Because the adventure of the day was clearly leading them _elsewhere_.

Lexa rubbed at her brow, trying to fight away the headache that was forming. "Where are we going?" she asked exasperatedly.

Octavia shrugged from the seat next to her. "Don't know. We get off when we feel we should."

"I don't know if I'm quite cut out for this lifestyle."

"Sure you are."

The train car shuddered, and Lexa fought off her nausea. She definitely didn't miss riding the underground whenever she needed to get around the city. But driving NYC streets... yikes.

"I think we should get off at the next stop," Lexa tried, looking at Octavia hopefully.

"Yeah? Got a good feeling about it?"

_About not dying on a defunct train car, maybe._

"Yeah. Exactly," she lied.

The car shuddered again, spluttering into darkness as the train came to a stop in the tunnel. And someone that was walking down the aisle tripped and ran into Lexa's arm. The emergency lights fluttered on.

"Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am."

No. No no no no. Coincidences like this just didn't happen. She was surely in some sort of stalker nightmare.

She looked up at met the gaze of one Officer Clarke Griffin. (Officer Clarke Griffin who looked even more enchanting in paint splattered civilian clothes than in her army uniform.)

Officer Clarke Griffin who lit up like it was Christmas when she noticed who she had run into. "Oh! It's you!"

Octavia leaned over Lexa excitedly. "It's definitely her. Fancy running into you here, Officer Griffin."

"Please, call me Clarke," Clarke said with a shy little chuckle. "I didn't catch your name earlier."

"That's because I didn't give you it," Lexa said flatly.

Clarke sat down in the seat on the opposite side of the aisle, looking at Lexa with a little hopeful smile. And Lexa sighed because it was endearingly cute and _not fair_.

"This is Lexa. I'm Octavia, if you don't remember." She looked suspiciously up to something again as she looked between Lexa and Clarke.

" _Don't_ ," Lexa whispered to her warningly.

" _Do_ ," Octavia shot right back. "You know, Officer Griffin--"

"Clarke," Clarke said again.

"Right. _Clarke_ ," Octavia said a little smugly. "My friend here was just saying how she would love a cup of coffee right now."

Clarke perked up and Lexa groaned.

"No. No, I definitely wasn't." She turned sharply to Octavia. " _What are you doing?_ " she asked sharply in a whisper.

"I'm respecting the sign."

"There is no _sign_."

Octavia cleared her throat and stood from her seat, calling attention to herself. Lexa sunk further into her seat, trying to hide from everyone that was now looking their way.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and gentlepeople of all sorts," Octavia started theatrically. "May I please have your attention. Yesterday, this woman met this officer in Madison Square Garden, quite by chance. All at random as it were." She paused dramatically as even those still looking away turned to see her, drawn by her booming voice. Lexa groaned and flushed a dark red. "And they met again just now, in this tunnel in the dark. Do you think mere chance could have caused these two things to occur?" she asked the car at large, receiving a few slightly hesitant shakes of the head from some of the passengers. " _Or_ ," she offered temptingly, "could there be another meaning to infer? Could the universe have a message for these two?"

Lexa gave up and threw her head back on the back of her seat, whining up at Octavia. " _No_."

Octavia waved her off and climbed over her lap so she could saunter up and down the aisle. She was clearly loving all the attention she was receiving and had no problem with interacting with complete strangers. "You meet someone who is beautiful and nice, quite by chance one day. And then you meet that same beautiful woman twice. Now _that's_ enticing! That's not chance, no way."

The people of the train car were getting more and more behind what Octavia was saying, drawn in by her exuberance. Lexa, on the other hand, just wished she could disappear from the train car... or maybe just get swallowed by the earth. Because _why her?_

"I'd say, the universe has a message for you," she turned and pointed directly at Lexa before looking pointedly at Clarke. "And if you're smart, you'll let it through. Because to me, it's plain to see that this is meant to be. You, my friend," she sauntered back over to Lexa and plopped down in her lap, "are destined for love."

"You don't think that's jumping the gun a bit? Maybe we're just meant to be acquaintances who met a couple of times around New York?" Lexa debated.

"How often do you run into the same person twice within two days in New York City? Your argument is invalid. It's a good thing you didn't try to be a lawyer. You suck at this," Octavia teased, ruffling Lexa's hair playfully before standing up again and regaining the people's attention. "People! Who's read their signs today?'

A man in his young twenties jumped up excitedly, probably more excited about having Octavia's attention solely on him than on actually contributing to the conversation. "Uh..." he stumbled over his words. "Oh! Today, a pigeon shit right on my head." He tilted his head forward for Octavia to see, Octavia cringing back a little. "It's still in my hair."

A young woman raised her hand excitedly, swept up in the excitement of what was happening. Lexa shook her head, not believing that people were actually humoring her friend.

"The Virgin Mary appeared in my bread!" she said excitedly.

A man that looked homeless sat up in one of the back seats, holding out what appeared to be a half-eaten sandwich. "I found a sandwich right here on the floor!"

"Now those are signs that you can't ignore!" Octavia cheered excitedly, almost bouncing down the aisle as her attention jumped from one person to the next. She made her way back to Lexa again. "Look, it's a sign. It's like a full moon on a Monday night, or a blue moon on a late-night flight. Patterns in your latte cup?" She kept throwing out different 'signs', Lexa rolling her eyes in frustration as Octavia continued on and on. "Buttered bread falling butter up? When a stray dog comes to stay, or when a black cat walks past you? Come on!" She urged Lexa to turn in her seat so she was facing Clarke across the aisle from her.

For Clarke's part, she looked just as bewildered by the events of their train ride as Lexa felt. Lexa smiled apologetically at Clarke, earning a slight shake of the head and a little breathy chuckle.

Octavia picked up Lexa's hand and held it up in front of her face. "That tingle in your fingers?"

"There's no tingle in my fingers," Lexa said plainly.

Octavia raised a brow challengingly, completely ignoring what she said. "That means something good is here for you. You need to listen." She climbed back over Lexa, plopping down in her seat and crossing her arms, looking at Lexa expectantly.

A few people applauded her for her bold statements, and Lexa shook her head disbelievingly. "Did you really have to go through all that?"

"Are you finally going to listen, or do I have to go to even more drastic measures?"

Lexa threw her hands up in defeat. "Fine!" She turned back to Clarke abruptly, a determined look on her face. "Coffee. Once this damn train starts moving again, we can go get a coffee."

Clarke's smile seemed to light up the dark train car. "Really?" she asked excitedly, seemingly trying to hold back from believing it too soon.

Lexa nodded, and couldn't fight the uptick of her lips at Clarke's excited cheer. It was endearing. And maybe this little coffee... meeting (because Lexa refused to call it a date, no matter how many times Octavia said that she was 'destined for love' in this encounter) wouldn't be so bad.

The train shivered back to live, and they continued down the track to the next stop.

*****

"So you just moved back from Arizona?"

"Yeah," Lexa answered, watching as Clarke drew another long sip from whatever cold and incredibly sugary drink she had gotten from the local Starbucks.

"How was that?" Clarke asked, leaning forward a little and very clearly enraptured by what Lexa was saying.

"Well, I moved away from it. So clearly not that great," Lexa said with a little bit of teasing to her tone. She stirred her coffee, messing up the design that the barista had made with the foam on top.

Clarke laughed. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"But what about you? You just got back from a deployment, didn't you?"

Clarke nodded, and a shadow seemed to take over her features for just a moment before she brightened right back up. "But you don't want to hear about that. War stories are never fun coffee talk."

Lexa shook her head. "No, I definitely want to hear about that. What was your job over there? Wait. You weren't a sniper, were you? I don't think I could hadn't all the gory details to that job."

Clarke laughed again, shaking her head. "No, not nearly as exciting as all that. I'm a surgeon."

Lexa hummed in thought. "Probably don't want to hear the gory details about that, either."

"No, probably not," Clarke admitted with a little grin.

"What was your most challenging operation?" Lexa asked. She found herself actually wanting to get to know this Officer Clarke Griffin. Far more than she had previously expected, anyway. Clarke was engaging and funny and incredibly nice from what she could tell so far. And she also seemed genuinely interested in what Lexa had to say. It was... endearing (Lexa felt she was using that word far too often to describe Clarke, but it was true. Clarke was endearing, and Lexa found herself warming up to her the more they talked).

Clarke twisted her lips in thought, looking off to the distance. "It's kind of gross," she finally said, apparently having come to a conclusion of which operation to talk about.

"Try me," Lexa challenged, leaning forward to lean her elbows on the table between them, looking Clarke directly in the eye.

"Well, if you're sure..." And then Clarke regaled the story of an operation that included an amputation, transplant of an internal organ, and a reconstruction of some vital cartilage.

Lexa found herself wishing she hadn't asked. And apparently she looked it, too.

Clarke laughed at the look Lexa was giving her. "You're looking a little green there. I told you that you didn't want to know."

Lexa shook off her slight queasiness with a shiver. "No, I could have done without the details, I think. But," she reached across the table, hesitating only a moment before placing her hand on Clarke's, "it's amazing what you do. You save people's lives. You get them back home to their families."

"Not all the time," Clarke said, that dark cloud coming over her features once again.

Lexa squeezed her hand for a moment before pulling back. "But you try. And you've made a huge difference."

Clarke smiled, with a little bewildered shake of her head. "You can't possibly know that."

Lexa shrugged. "Maybe not. But I do know that you just got back from a deployment overseas where you did at least one life-saving surgery on a soldier. And if you knew how to handle that one, and didn't pass out or puke while doing it, then I think it's safe to say that you've had your fair share of experience."

Clarke hummed. "Powerful skills of deduction you have there."

Lexa sat back in her seat with a smug little grin and a shrug. "Well, I did graduate top of my class from Vassar."

Clarke gave a low whistle. "Impressive. What did you study?"

"Architecture."

Clarke's brows rose in surprise. "Even more impressive. Bachelor's?"

"Master's."

"Good grief. You're brilliant, aren't you?"

Lexa's smirk turned a little more smug. "Not to toot my own horn or anything, but yeah. I'm pretty smart. Not _doctor_ level, though," she said with a challenging raise of her brow.

Clarke laughed shyly. "That's nothing. It's all about instinct, really."

"Instinct to know how to cut someone open and then sew them back up?"

"Well, when you put it like that..." Clarke leaned forward a bit, seemingly gaining a little confidence in herself.

"Alexandra!" a man yelled from across the coffee shop. Lexa turned in her seat to see who called her name.

"Alexandra?" Clarke asked with a little confused furrow to her brow.

"Full name," Lexa explained quickly before spotting the man that called her.

"Gustus?" she called excitedly. She stood and accepted his hug when he offered it. "It's been so long! What are you doing here?"

"Just grabbing a coffee on the way to another meeting. Buildings to tear down, plans to be drawn. You know how it goes."

"Oh yeah," Lexa said with a little laugh. "I know how it goes."

Gustus looked over Lexa's shoulder at Clarke and then back at Lexa questioningly. "I'm not interrupting anything am I?"

"Oh!" Lexa said, turning back to Clarke quickly. "This is Officer Clarke Griffin. She just got back from a tour overseas. We were just... getting to know each other," she finished lamely. "Clarke, this is an old friend from school, Gustus Trigeda."

Clarke stood and offered Gustus her hand, giving him a firm shake. "A pleasure to meet you, sir."

"The pleasure's mine, Officer. Thank you for your service." He dropped Clarke's hand and turned back to Lexa again. "It was perfect timing, running into you. I had my company give your number a call as soon as I heard you were back in town. I'd like to offer you a job."

"A job?" Lexa asked, surprised and slightly taken aback.

Gustus nodded. "Yes, if you'd be interested." He pulled a business card out of his suit pocket and handed it over. "Give me a call if you want to talk over the logistics. Just know, we have a position ready for you if you want it. But we won't have it for long. I'll hopefully talk to you later." He gave Lexa another quick hug and nodded a goodbye to Clarke before turning on his heel to leave.

"Well that sounds like a great opportunity," Clarke offered as they sat back down.

Lexa looked down at the card in her hand, thinking it over. "I might look into it. I was actually considering teaching at the local university. Help the up and coming architects get a better start than I did."

"That's very admirable."

Lexa shrugged the compliment off. "Not really. I just don't know if I'm ready to dedicate to a big company right now."

"Fair." Clarke looked down at her old, beat-up watch before startling at the time. "Oh shit. It's a lot later than I thought. I need to head back to base for a meeting." She looked up at Lexa hopefully. "Can I take you out to dinner. A movie, maybe? I'd really love to see you again."

Lexa smiled softly. "Yeah, I'd like that. Give me your phone and I'll put my number in for you."

Clarke handed her phone over, letting Lexa do as she said and send herself a quick text so she'd have Clarke's number. Clarke took her phone back and stood from the table, throwing her now empty cup in the trash.

"I'll call you?" Clarke asked, still sounding a bit hesitant but hopeful.

"Please do. I'm looking forward to it." And Lexa found that she really, really was.

*****

"You're going on a date with her?" Octavia asked smugly from where she was sitting on Lexa's couch. Lexa wasn't really sure how she got into her apartment. She had opened the door when she heard a knock, and the next thing she knew, Octavia was lounging on her couch as if she did so every day of her life.

"Yes. Tonight. And I have to get ready. So if you'd please..." she gestured to the door, Octavia waving off her request with no hesitance at all.

"So you admit that it _was_ a sign."

"I admit that it was a coincidence that may turn into a happy one," Lexa said plainly. "Now, I really need to get ready."

"Let me help you. I have a fantastic fashion sense," Octavia said confidently, standing up from the couch and revealing her rather... eclectic outfit of a hippie skirt and a corset.

Lexa quirked her brow, but didn't want to say anything that would offend her new friend. "I think I'm alright. I've gotten this far without any help."

"Fine, fine," Octavia said with another wave of her hand. She breezed past Lexa toward the front door of her apartment. "I expect full details tomorrow."

"Sure, O. I'll let you know everything," Lexa said absentmindedly, ushering Octavia out the door.

Octavia froze and turned back to Lexa, an excited, and almost childish little smile lighting up her face.

"What?" Lexa asked nervously. She had learned quickly that any time she didn't know _exactly_ what Octavia was thinking, she should probably be concerned.

"You called me O," Octavia explained. She quickly gathered Lexa into a bone-crushing hug, squeezing the breath out of her. "We really _are_ friends!" she cheered.

"Of course we are," Lexa wheezed out. "But you may be down a friend if you don't let me breathe."

"Right. Sorry," Octavia said with a guilty little smile as she let Lexa go and stepped back. "Have fun tonight. Make good choices. And--"

"Go with the flow?" Lexa finished with a laugh. "I know. I got it. I'll be fine and I'll tell you all about it later."

"Awesome. Bye!" Octavia said, leaving Lexa in the doorway to her apartment.

Lexa sighed in relief and closed her door, going back to her room to _finally_ get ready for her date with Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's chapter two! We're finally getting somewhere. Next time we'll see how the date goes for our two favorite characters.
> 
> Thanks for reading! And, as always, I love your comments/kudos. And if you'd like to leave me a request for a one-shot or something, please do. I'm always looking for new short challenges.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @musiclurv if you want to. 
> 
> Next update in two days!!


	3. You Never Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The date and after date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three!!!

The date went well.

Incredibly well, actually.

Clarke was enchanting and funny and witty and showed a bit of smug confidence every now and then that Lexa couldn't deny was incredibly attractive.

She laughed as Clarke finished telling her about a time in training camp where she found herself trapped outside of her cabin in nothing but a pair of slippers and her army hat.

"I swear, there really was a huge bear!" Clarke defended with a laugh of her own.

"I think you were seeing things, Officer Griffin."

Clarke shook her head quickly. "No way. I know a bear when I see one."

Lexa raised a challenging brow, waiting for Clarke to confess.

Clarke sunk a little in her seat, playing with her fork absentmindedly. "Okay, maybe it was a smaller bear. Like a cub."

Lexa still waited.

" _Alright_ ," Clarke finally said, giving up with a dramatic flail of her arms. "It was a _raccoon_! But you try being out in the showers in the middle of the night and hearing what sounds like a huge bear scrummaging through the trashcan outside of the showering facility!"

They both burst into laughter again, drawing the attention of some of the other patrons in the restaurant. Lexa shushed Clarke, leaning over the table and placing her hand on Clarke's arm. "Shh, we're being too loud."

Clarke just laughed again, gesturing around her with her free hand (she may have stared down at Lexa's hand on her arm for a second of shocked, but pleased, surprise). "They need to learn to lighten up a bit, then. Too high strung if they can't handle a bit of laughter."

Lexa looked around at the people gathered in the restaurant - all of whom looked to be well off and dressed to the nines. "Maybe you shouldn't have chosen such a classy place if you wanted to cause a ruckus."

"Did you really just say 'cause a ruckus'?" Clarke asked with her brows raised teasingly.

"Yes I did," Lexa said with a firm nod of her head. She drew her hand back and sat back in her chair. "Why did you choose this place, anyway? It seems a bit fancy for a first date."

Clarke's cheeks flushed slightly as she looked anywhere but at Lexa. "I may have wanted to impress you just a little."

"Impress me?" Lexa asked with a little questioning tilt of her head.

Clarke nodded shyly. "I may have made a bit of a fool of myself when we first met. And I wanted to show you that I can be classy and suave when I try." She shrugged nonchalantly. "And maybe I thought that someone like you deserved a really nice dinner."

"Someone like me?" Lexa leaned forward, her arms crossed on the tabletop, and a little pleased smirk gracing her lips. This Clarke - this nervous and sweet and _endearing_ and adorable Clarke - was very likely going to make Lexa melt at the rate she was going.

"Yeah. Someone like you," Clarke said with conviction, looking up to meet Lexa's eyes. "Someone who is funny and smart and witty. Someone who makes me forget what I'm going to say just by looking at me with those stunning green eyes. Someone that is so enchanting that she's had me on the edge of my seat just wanting to learn more the entire night. Someone who I haven't been able to stop thinking about since the first time I saw them. Someone like you."

Lexa brought her hand up, leaning her chin in her palm and hiding her very happy smile from Clarke as surreptitiously as possible. "Sounds like someone really special," she mumbled around her fingers, just loud enough for Clarke to hear.

Clarke smiled softly at her, reaching out to touch tentatively at Lexa's hand that was still on the table. Lexa glanced down and watched as Clarke slowly slid her fingers into Lexa's so that she was holding her hand. When she looked back up, Clarke was looking at her with her piercingly soulful blue eyes. "Someone very special."

"Do you maybe want to get out of here?" Lexa asked, feeling suddenly shy.

Clarke's smile widened and she got the waiter's attention for the bill without another word.

*****

Lexa stumbled back into her apartment door, fumbling with her purse to get her keys out as Clarke pressed up against her.

Finding her keys was proving more and more difficult as Clarke's lips trailed down her throat to nip teasingly at the exposed skin on her collarbone. "Clarke. Keys. Let me find my keys," she gasped out, gripping at the back of Clarke's neck to keep her close (which was rather counter productive in hindsight.)

Clarke breathed out a sigh of frustration, but straightened up, kissing Lexa quickly before taking a step back.

Lexa took a deep breath to collect herself. She dug in her bag and found her keys, quickly unlocking her door and letting them into the apartment.

Clarke followed her in silently, the eager tension thick between them.

"So, this is my place," Lexa said awkwardly as Clarke looked around at what she could see from the entryway.

"It's nice," Clarke offered. And it was nice. It was a nice apartment in a nice part of town with nice furniture and nice neighbors.

But neither wanted to talk about that.

"You should see the bedroom," Lexa said, biting her lip temptingly. When Clarke looked at her, she couldn't contain the shiver of anticipation.

Clarke nodded toward the back of the apartment. "I'd love to see it. Would you like to show me?"

Lexa nodded mutely, taking Clarke's hand and leading her back to her bedroom. She flipped the light-switch on with another deep breath to calm her nerves. "So, this is it."

Clarke walked in and sat down on the bed. She bounced a couple times on the mattress, seemingly testing the springs. "Very nice," she said finally.

Lexa shed her jacket, stepping closer to stand right in front of Clarke. She rubbed at her arm nervously, chewing on her lip in thought.

Clarke's brow furrowed in concern and she quickly stood, reaching out to grab Lexa's upper arm gently. "Hey, this doesn't have to go anywhere. It's okay."

Lexa shook her head and let her lip fall out from between her teeth. "It's not that. Well, it is sort of."

"Would you like to clarify?" Clarke asked, clearly a bit confused.

Lexa huffed and sat heavily on the side of her bed. "I'm horrible at this kind of stuff," she finally said lamely.

"What kind of stuff are we talking about exactly?" Clarke asked, their positions now reversed so she stood in front of Lexa.

"This kind of stuff," Lexa said again, motioning between herself and Clarke.

"Sex?"

"No, not sex. I was married for a few years, you know?"

Clarke chuckled a little laugh and motioned for Lexa to continue her explanation.

"I guess..." she trailed off, looking down at Clarke's feet so she didn't have to meet her searching eyes. "I'm bad at the whole _relationship_ thing. And I'm assuming that's where you were thinking this was going to go."

"Well, I was hoping so," Clarke admitted, squatting down in front of Lexa to meet her eyes again. "Why do you say you're bad at relationships?"

Lexa let out a self-deprecating scoff. "Again, I moved here after a _failed_ marriage."

"And that couldn't just be because it wasn't meant to be?" Clarke asked gently. She tilted Lexa's chin up. "It's okay to be scared."

"This is crazy," Lexa said, barely above a whisper.

"Is it?"

"The odds would say that this is doomed from the start."

Clarke shrugged with a little encouraging smile. "How can we know if we don't try?"

Lexa just bit her lip, looking away without answering.

Clarke sighed, putting her hands on Lexa's knees and looking up at her hopefully. "Look, you never know how badly this could go. I'm a soldier. I've got disaster written on my cheek. The odds are I'm a two-faced lying freak who will whisper pretty things and leave you flat. Maybe steal your cat."

Lexa chuckled. "I don't have a cat.

Another little shrug from Clarke with a pleased smile at getting Lexa to laugh. "But, it might not be that bad," she continued, as Lexa looked at her again. "You never see the worst that things can be. I know you think you do because you've been hurt before. And another hurt might hurt you that much more. And odds are I'll do what most people do and hurt you too. Because I'm a human and odds are odds."

Lexa nodded, standing from the bed with a huff. "Exactly my point. The odds aren't in our favor, Clarke." She waved her arms out exasperatedly before letting them fall back to her sides.

Clarke stood, facing Lexa again and reaching out to hold her arms. "You never know, though. I get it. You think you know the end at the beginning of any new adventure. But the truth is, there's not mortal way to tell. I mean, I could be someone who's off their meds or on parole or something even worse."

"Yeah, you could be. You're not really helping your case here, Clarke."

Clarke rolled her eyes with a fond little chuckle. She let her hands slide down Lexa's arms to take her hands instead and leaned a little closer. "But maybe I'm someone who is meant for you. Sure. Maybe I'm a drunkard or a dullard, too callous or too clever. But maybe, just maybe..." she waited for Lexa to meet her gaze again, her own soft and so incredibly caring that Lexa felt her breath catch in her throat. "Maybe I might just be the one who's meant to be with you forever."

"That's a lot of 'might's and 'maybe's."

"Yeah. It is. But do you want to give it a shot and see what could happen?"

Lexa chewed on her lip, thinking it over. "Can you just..." she finally started hesitantly. "Can you just give me a minute?"

"Yeah," Clarke said with a reassuring smile. She sat down on Lexa's bed, looking up at her without any expectation in her eyes. "I'll be here when you make up your mind."

"Thank you." Lexa turned and walked out of the bedroom, making a beeline to the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it. Now Lexa just has to get her crap together and go back out. We'll see if she figured herself out, though.
> 
> Next chapter up in two days!
> 
> I will love you forever if you leave me comments/kudos (especially comments because they are incredibly encouraging).
> 
> You can also come find me on tumblr if you want to @musiclurv
> 
> See ya soon!


	4. What The F*ck/Here I Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa gives herself a little pep talk, and they come to a conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was going to be broken up into two, simply to keep with the "one song per chapter" set up. But I decided that having less than a full page as a chapter was kind of pathetic. So you got two of the songs/chapters in one. Enjoy!

Lexa leaned over her sink, taking deep calming breaths to try to calm down.

She had a wonderfully enchanting and understanding woman waiting for her in her bedroom. And it really seemed like said woman was letting Lexa take the reigns on whatever this was that was happening between them. She just had to decide what she wanted.

Well, she knew what she wanted. She _wanted_ to go spend the night with Clarke and see what would happen next. But the logical side of her brain was screaming at her that she really, _really_ shouldn't take that chance. Because she's been down this road before, and from what she's seen it never ends well.

She looked up at herself in the mirror, growing angry at herself. The girl looking back at her looked put together. She looked ready to take on the world. To take this next step. But she just... She couldn't.

"What the hell are you looking at?" she asked spitefully. She stood up straight and glared at her reflection. "Who are you to judge me? I'm the one who has lived this life, not you." She couldn't believe she was talking to a mirror. What was she becoming?

She took a deep breath and looked back at the mirror with conviction. "Alright. I'm just going to walk in there and say 'What the fuck? Stay the night.' Because there's a chance it'll all be alright, right?" She saw her own disbelief in her reflection and agreed with it. "It's possible I'm pushing this a little too far." Another deep breath as she rubbed at her brow. "But, it's honestly not like things could get a whole lot worse than they are right now. I'm very clearly not running on a streak of good luck. So..." She looked back up at her reflection, once again determined and confident with her decision, accepting that she was going to do this. "What the fuck? Just go do it and stop talking to yourself."

She shook her head, laughing a little at how ridiculous she was being, and opened the bathroom door to go back to her room. Where she found Clarke sitting exactly where she left her on Lexa's bed.

"Nice conversation?" Clarke asked teasingly.

Lexa flushed. She had forgotten how thin her walls were. "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that."

Clarke smiled sweetly at her. "There's no rush. It's fine." Silence fell between them, both waiting for the other to make the first move. "So..." Clarke finally prompted when it became obvious that Lexa wasn't going to say anything.

"Alright," Lexa said with an abrupt exhale, her shoulders dropping in relief as if the weight of the world was taken off of them.

Clarke eyed her more relaxed posture with hopeful optimism. "Alright?"

Lexa nodded. "Alright. But... let's take things slow, okay?"

Clarke nodded enthusiastically, again looking to Lexa to make the first move. "Do you want me to leave? Or I could stick around for a while and we can talk. I don't really want the night to end yet, but it's totally up to you."

"No," Lexa said with a slight shake of her head. "You can stay. I don't... I don't want the night to end either. Do you want to maybe stay the night?" This was definitely not going as smoothly or confidently as she had planned in the bathroom. But when did anything ever go as planned for her anymore?

Clarke lit up as if she had just received the best gift imaginable. "Really?"

"Yeah. If you'd like to, anyway. Don't feel pressured to just because I asked. I mean, it's totally your choice and I wouldn't want you to do anything you didn't want to. And--" She was cut off by Clarke swiftly standing and closing the distance between them, pressing her lips to Lexa's gently to silence her.

She cupped the back of Lexa's neck, holding her almost reverently. A touch that was mirrored in the look she gave Lexa when she pulled back. "I think," Clarke started, almost timidly, her voice cracking a little. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I think I'd just really like to hold you tonight, if that's alright. And kiss you. Because, _god_ , you're a fantastic kisser."

Lexa laughed breathily, pulling Clarke back to her and into another kiss (because Clarke was a _fantastic_ kisser, too).

"I think that sounds perfect."

*****

Lexa woke with an unfamiliar weight across her waist and side. But it was the soft kisses that were being placed against her neck that probably really woke her up.

"Good morning," Clarke mumbled sleepily into Lexa's skin.

Lexa smiled, more happy than she could remember being in a long while. She and Clarke hadn't even _done_ anything, and she was still this happy the next day.

It was ridiculous.

It made no sense.

But she was so ridiculously, nonsensically, _happy_.

"Good morning, Officer Griffin."

Clarke chuckled, her breath ghosting across Lexa's neck and causing goosebumps to rise on her skin. "You like that, don't you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Lexa said coyly. "It's your title, isn't it?"

Clarke propped herself up on her elbow so she could look down at Lexa. "Yes. But most people don't use it unless I'm actually in a military setting."

Lexa shrugged, trying to hide her smile. "Always good to try new things."

Clarke hummed at that. "You seem to be changing your tune, Miss Woods."

"Miss Woods now, is it?"

"If I'm Officer Griffin, then you're Miss Woods."

"This is getting into some pretty adventurous territory, Officer."

Clarke quirked her brow. "Isn't that what your friend was all about you doing? Living in the adventure of life?"

"She seems to have rubbed off on me."

"Seems she has," Clarke said. She smiled sweetly down at Lexa, brushing some errant curls behind her ear. "God, you're even beautiful in the mornings. How do you manage that?"

Lexa blushed and swatted Clarke's hand away, trying to brush off the compliment. "I look a mess. I haven't even washed my face yet."

Clarke grinned down at her cheekily. "You're beautiful. From you tiny ears," she leaned down to kiss Lexa's earlobe, "to you adorable nose," she kissed Lexa's nose. "And your gorgeous eyes," she leaned forward and pressed kisses to each of Lexa's closed eyelids once Lexa let them flutter closed. "And your magnificently plump lips," she finally mumbled, her lips brushing against Lexa's before she pressed them firmly together. She pulled back to lean above Lexa on her elbow again. "In conclusion, you're stunning." That cheeky little smile was back.

Lexa laughed and sat up, pushing Clarke back. Clarke fell onto the bed, laying on her back and looking up at Lexa. Lexa turned, her back facing Clarke, and looked over her shoulder at the woman in her bed. _How_ _is_ _this_ _real?_

"You know, Octavia's all about signs and superstitions."

Clarke chuckled with a little nod. "Yeah, I noticed that."

Lexa smiled fondly and reached back to brush some of Clarke's hair out of her face. "But, I'm not like that. I'm not one for fortunes or wishing on a star. I've studied all the stories and I know that our chances kind of suck."

Another little laugh. "Noted."

"But I look at you, and my heart starts beating faster, which makes me know that this disaster in the making is going to be so much worse. And yet..."

"And yet?"

"Here I go." She flipped over to lay on her stomach, leaning up on her elbows to look down on Clarke (she'd say she was looking dreamily, but Lexa Woods does not look at someone _dreamily_ ).

Clarke laughed, her happiness shining in her eyes. "Is that so?"

Lexa nodded. "Let me finish. I'm a logical person that puts a lot of value on calculations."

"Architecture," Clarke supplied.

"Exactly." Lexa took a deep breath before continuing. "I know all the motions to anything I do. If I gambled, I'd count cards at the table. I'm not one to bet on chance. I leave nothing to the gods. And in this," she pointed between Clarke and herself, "whatever this is, I know all the odds. But even so..."

"Here you go?" Clarke offered, leaning up to press a quick kiss to Lexa's lips again.

Lexa laughed, genuinely happy and fell down on her folded arms. She looked up at Clarke as she sat up on the bed.

"I know you're not a romantic. You've made that pretty clear. And you're not good at small talk."

"Hence the description of a graphic surgery during our first coffee date," Lexa said with another little laugh. "You know," Lexa said, leaning up once again, Clarke leaned back on her elbow so they were level with each other, neither having to look up or down at the other. "I'm awkward and ungrateful. And sometimes I can be really hateful to people."

"You are pretty blunt, I've noticed."

"I don't like to beat around the bush," Lexa said, waving off the comment. "But, I think..." she continued hesitantly, biting her lip for a second while she pulled herself together. "I think deep down I'm a coward, and I'm afraid to let you in."

Clarke reached out to her, cupping Lexa's cheek comfortingly. "It's alright. I'm scared, too. There are so many 'what if's that could come into play here."

Lexa nodded, leaning into Clarke's caress. "But..."

"But?"

"I think, the only thing more frightening than all that is the thought of being years down the road and looking back on this time and having to ask myself 'what might have been?' I don't think I could stand not knowing what could happen here."

"So... you want to try?" Clarke asked hopefully, looking at Lexa through her lashes nervously.

Lexa nodded, leaning forward to press her forehead to Clarke's. "Yeah. I want to try."

If nothing else came of their attempt, the smile that Clarke gave her in that moment made every effort worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! Or rather, here we go (song pun intended). Things are looking up for our two little lovers, and we're going to be moving forward with a few time jumps (that are super specific, but you'll figure out when they happen) in the next few chapters. It'll be a really exciting time, I promise. 
> 
> See you in two days!


	5. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia finds someone, a wild Raven appears, and the relationship develops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is actually just a bit of extra fluff for the inbetween to clear some stuff up. There isn't a direct song correlation to this chapter, but it's making the connection and bringing people in that need to be there for later. So I hope you enjoy it!

Octavia, of course, was ecstatic to hear that Lexa was giving this new relationship a try. And she never failed to mention that she was right and Lexa was "so incredibly wrong it actually hurts a little to think about."

Lexa didn't bother reminding her friend that they still had no idea how this relationship would turn out as they had been on a total of _five_ official dates so far, with little meetings in between their work schedules. With Lexa having been offered an adjunct position at the local college, and Clarke picking up shifts at the base hospital nearby, they were both kept pretty busy during the days. But they still tried to make time to meet for coffee at the least.

And Clarke had been wonderful about setting up little dates for them that didn't require too much planning or extra exertion that neither of them actually had the energy to give. Which meant they oftentimes ended up in either one of their apartments, cuddled up on the couch watching a movie (and more than likely falling asleep together on said couch to wake up at two or three in the morning, just to have to go through the charade of trying to convince the one who didn't live there to _just stay the night_ ).

Lexa sighed as she came into her apartment, dropping her briefcase off on her dining room table as she made her way to the fridge to grab a water (though she wished she had something a lot stronger at the moment).

And she had just sat down on her couch when there was a knock on the door. "Of course," she grumbled under her breath, standing back up on her incredibly sore feet to make her way over to the door _again_ to greet whoever so rudely decided to interrupt her afternoon of relaxation with their annoying presence. _This had better be good._

"What?" she barked out as she flung the door open, not even waiting to see who was on the other side.

"Good to see you, too," Octavia said flatly. "Such a kind greeting. I can't wait to spend time with this loving version of my best friend today," she finished sarcastically.

Lexa rolled her eyes, but opened the door further to let Octavia in. "Water's in the fridge if you want one. I was just about to watch some TV."

"Such a lively and exciting life you lead." Of course, her disappointment in Lexa's afternoon and evening plans didn't deter her from going straight to making herself right at home in Lexa's apartment.

Lexa looked over to her friend once they were both settled on the couch. "Not that I'm not enthused that you're here--"

"Obviously."

"But why are you here?"

Octavia smiled brightly, leaning toward Lexa in her excitement. "I have news."

"So does CNN."

"You're being extra snarky today. What gives?" Octavia slumped back on the couch, clearly a little put out by Lexa's lack of actual enthusiasm for her seemingly important and more than likely 'life changing' news.

"I'm sorry," Lexa offered with a tired little apologetic smile. "I'm just tired. Long day at the school." She sat up straighter and turned more toward Octavia, trying to seem more focused and interested. "What's your news?"

Octavia looked her over skeptically for a second before she seemed to shrug off Lexa's grumpiness. "Well, seeing as you've been having such marvelous success in the love portion of your life--"

"No one said anything about love."

"I decided to have a go at it myself," Octavia plowed on, completely ignoring Lexa's comment. Lexa's brows shot up in surprise. "I know, I know. I'm usually the go with the flow and see what happens kind of person that just lets the chips fall as they may. But I decided it was time to actually make a conscious decision to pursue this one."

"This one meaning..." Lexa prompted. She had to admit she was a little excited that her friend was actually getting involved with someone, and not just because it meant her attentions would be directed at someone and something other than her own love life. (Again, no one said _anything_ about love.)

"Lincoln," Octavia supplied. "His name's Lincoln, and he may be _the one_."

Lexa eyed her a little skeptically, but she realized that she should have expected this kind of intensity from the start. "That's a little soon to say, don't you think?"

Octavia shrugged. "It's just a feeling, you know? I'm sure you feel it with Clarke. A little tingle in your fingers, a bit of fluttering in your stomach, your mind wandering to your person throughout the day? Sometimes you just know, you know?"

"No."

"You're honestly telling me that you don't get a warm feeling whenever you're with Clarke or even thinking about Clarke?" Octavia challenged.

Lexa couldn't fight off the little smile as she thought about Clarke. Which apparently just proved Octavia's point.

"Ha! There! That little smile there! You _know_ that's different than what you felt for Costia."

Lexa's smile quickly dropped into a scowl. "We don't talk about that waste of time."

"Not a waste of time if you learned something from it. And I'd say that you learned what love _isn't_ through that relationship."

"I loved Costia."

"I'm not saying that you didn't. And I'm not saying that she didn't love you just as much. I'm just saying that the love you two shared may have been more of a friendship kind of love instead of the all-consuming, never ending love that you and--"

"Don't go there. It's _way_ too soon for that."

Octavia shrugged again. "You can deny it as much as you want. But it's obvious what's happening."

Lexa rolled her eyes. "Whatever. So, who is this Lincoln guy?"

*****

"No shit!" Clarke said excitedly, jumping off the couch and clutching her phone in her hand as she looked down at the screen.

Lexa looked up at her from the couch, slightly concerned by the sudden declaration when they had been contently resting together while watching a documentary on squids (Lexa may have had weird tastes in documentaries, but Clarke still sat through them with her contently. And Lexa was just a little closer to admitting that she _may_ be close to feeling the 'L' word for her girlfriend. Maybe.).

"Uhm... Are you alright, Clarke?" she asked hesitantly.

Clarke spun to look at her with a huge smile on her face. "I'm better than alright. Babe, this is such good news!"

"You may have to be a little more specific on what 'this' is."

"Do you remember me mentioning my best friend Raven? We were stationed overseas at the same fort. The mechanic?" Clarke was nearly vibrating with excitement.

"Yeah, of course I remember you talking about her."

Clarke gesticulated at her phone dramatically, her excitement seeming to overcome her for a second, before she fell back down on the couch with a little bounce. "She's just got her new orders. She's being transferred _here_."

"No way," Lexa said, her jaw dropping slightly in astonishment. She knew how much Raven meant to Clarke. They had gone through basic together, and then were stationed together for two tours. It was virtually unheard of for two people who weren't technically part of the same squad to be stationed at the same place multiple times, but Raven and Clarke had been really lucky. And they'd grown really close. Raven was there for Clarke when no one else ones, and the same was true the other way.

So this was pretty damn amazing.

"Yes way. All the way. Raven's going to be _here_ , in New York City, in two weeks!"

Lexa reached out and pulled Clarke into an excited hug. "That's amazing, Clarke. I'm so happy for you."

Clarke pulled back, smiling brightly and pressed a sweet but brief kiss to Lexa's lips. "This is going to be so good. The dynamic duo is going to be back together again." She lit up as if just realizing something. "We should all get together. I'd love for you to meet her, and I'm sure she'd be glad to make some new friends in the area so she doesn't feel quite as alone here."

Lexa nodded along, though a little hesitantly. "Who would I invite? Octavia?"

"Of course. She is your friend, isn't she?" Clarke asked with a laugh. "And she can bring her new boyfriend. Oh, and that woman from the park you were talking with when we first met! Anya, right?"

Another little nod. "Yeah, I can invite her."

"This'll be good. Oh man. This is going to be great. I'm going to have to get a lot of alcohol," Clarke said, making a mental list of everything she needed to get to prepare for the arrival of her best friend.

"Why a lot of alcohol?" Lexa asked around a laugh.

Clarke grinned at Lexa almost deviously. "You have yet to meet the partying side of me, babe. And Raven... well, let's just say Raven knows how to have a good time when she lets loose."

Those words should have _maybe_ sent up a little red flag in Lexa's mind, but she was just too happy seeing her girlfriend so excited. And if she had to deal with some really drunk friends as a result of that happiness? She could handle that.

*****

"Raven Reyes is in the house!" Raven yelled announcing her presence to the seemingly empty apartment. Clarke laughed from behind her, shoving her through the door.

Clarke apparently hadn't told Raven that Lexa would be there waiting for them.

"Oh shit," Raven said, stopping dead in her tracks as Lexa came out of the kitchen. She had just mixed one of the drinks Clarke had showed her how to make earlier in the week in preparation for the small party they were going to have in celebration of Raven's arrival. "Who's the babe?"

Lexa rolled her eyes, walking up to Clarke and giving her a quick welcome kiss.

"The _babe_ is my girlfriend, you ass," Clarke said with a laugh. She smacked the back of Raven's head when her friend continued to stare. "Close your mouth. You're going to catch flies."

"Damn, Griff. You've outdone yourself this time."

Clarke wrapped her arm around Lexa's waist, hugging her happily. "I'm pretty lucky, that's for sure."

"Don't screw it up," Raven warned, shooting a glare at Clarke.

"I really don't plan to."

Lexa blushed, smoothly stepping out of Clarke's hold to walk back toward the kitchen. "The drinks are all almost ready. I just have a couple more of these concoctions to mix," she said over her shoulder. Clarke followed dutifully, finding the kitchen filled with multiple jugs of mixed drinks on the counters.

"You're the best, babe." She walked over to Lexa and kissed her cheek.

Lexa hummed. "Remember that when you're blaming me for the hangover you're bound to have tomorrow."

"I would never!" Clarke gasped with a laugh.

"Just like you'd never grumpily tell me that your stomach ache was my fault because I didn't stop you from eating half a birthday cake."

Clarke brought her hand to her chest dramatically. "You wound me."

Lexa only hummed again, hiding her little smile behind the curtain of her hair as she leaned over another mixture that she was prepping.

"You two are so disgustingly in--"

Clarke quickly slapped a hand over Raven's mouth, cutting off whatever she was about to say.

"In need of some ice. Why don't you go get some, Rae? There's a corner store just at the end of the street."

Raven pushed her hand away, glaring at her best friend. "I just got here and you're already sending me out on errands?"

Clarke shoved some cash into Raven's hand and pushed her back toward the front door. "Yes. Yes, I am. Now _please_. Go."

Raven grumbled the entire way out of the apartment, and was probably doing so the entire walk to the store as well.

Clarke returned to the kitchen, eying Lexa warily where she stood frozen over the drinks she was currently mixing. "Do you need some help there, Lex?" she asked tentatively as she inched a little closer.

Lexa finally looked over to her, biting at her lip in thought. "What was she actually about to say, Clarke?" she asked.

Of course, she absolutely knew what Raven was about to say. And if someone that had literally _just_ seen them together for the first time five minutes ago could come to that conclusion then maybe Octavia wasn't so far off in her conclusion from almost a month ago.

Clarke scuffed her shoe against the hardwood floor of the kitchen, looking down and avoiding Lexa's gaze. "We needed some ice. That girl loves her ice in drinks," she said with an awkward chuckle.

"Clarke," Lexa said flatly, waiting for Clarke to look up at her again. "I'm not stupid."

Clarke shook her head adamantly. "No, of course you're not. I'd never even imply that you are."

"Then don't pretend that she was about to say something that both of us know was not even remotely close."

Leaning against the countertop, Clarke took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "She may have been about to say that we're... in love?" she tried, her statement coming out as more of a question than a firm answer.

Lexa sighed, leaning against the counter opposite to Clarke. "That's what I thought."

Clarke took a step toward Lexa, reaching out hesitantly. "I know you don't want to rush into things like that. And you don't have to say anything about it. I'll talk to Raven about saying things like that. I mean, of course I know that I love you, but I don't want you to ever feel like you have to say it back. It's only been a few months, after all. I couldn't presume to think that you were ready for something so--"

"Clarke."

"And it was incredibly untactful for Raven to say anything at all. Yeah, I may have mentioned how much you mean to me over Skype a couple of times when we talked. And she's definitely heard about how amazing you are. And how funny and sweet and caring and smart. But that's beside the point. She shouldn't have--"

" _Clarke_ ," Lexa tried again, reaching forward to grab Clarke's hands and get her attention. Clarke finally stopped her rant, looking up at Lexa with wide, scared eyes. "Clarke."

"Yes?" Clarke asked, voice cracking with nerves.

"You love me?" Lexa asked. She couldn't remember ever feeling so nervous - as if the rest of her life really, actually depended on this moment. Because, if she was completely honest with herself (which it was about damn time that she started being), then she was in love with Clarke Griffin, too. She had been for a while. Maybe Octavia wasn't so far off with the whole 'just knowing' thing. But if Clarke changed her mind, or if it was an accident that she said it and she hadn't really meant it...

Clarke's brow scrunched in slight confusion. "Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure I could have confidently said that on our third date."

"Seriously?" Lexa asked incredulously.

Clarke nodded with a small, self-conscious laugh. "Yeah. Watching you try so hard to paint just because I like painting, with that little bit of blue smeared across your nose... Yeah. I couldn't really help it at that point. Couldn't stop it if I wanted to."

Lexa tugged on Clarke's hands, dragging her closer. "Good."

"Good?" Clarke asked hopefully.

"Good," Lexa said again with a nod. "Because it would be really awful if you didn't love me back."

Clarke laughed a little and then seemed to realize what Lexa had just said. "Wait." She stared at Lexa wide eyed, jaw slightly slack. "Back? Love you _back_?"

Lexa nodded, biting her lip to try to hold in her smile.

"You love me?"

Another nod.

"Like, you seriously love me? You're sure?"

She rolled her eyes with loving exasperation (because she can say that now. She did it _lovingly_ ). "Yes, Clarke. I love you."

Clarke's confusion split into a huge, cheek aching, dopey smile. She dropped Lexa's hands and wrapped her arms around Lexa's waist, lifting her off the floor to spin around. "Oh my god. You love me!"

Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke's neck, laughing as she was spun around. Clarke put her back on her feet and cupped her cheeks, peppering kisses all over Lexa's face.

"I love you. I love you. I love you," Clarke chanted between kisses, making Lexa giggle with happiness.

Finally, Lexa reached up and cupped Clarke's jaw, drawing an end to her seemingly never ending rain of kisses. She pushed her back just slightly so that she could meet her gaze and show her how serious she was about what she was about to say. She lifted her brows in silent question, and Clarke nodded with a soft, so incredibly happy smile.

"I love you, Clarke Griffin."

The following kiss wouldn't have stopped for quite a while if Raven hadn't re-entered the apartment. (Loudly, in the way only Raven Reyes can.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! I hope you all liked how that developed. Next chapter we'll be back to direct correlations and pretty big developments. 
> 
> As always, I really, REALLY love your comments/kudos. Especially your comments. (Hint, hint). 
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr @musiclurv . If you shoot me a message telling me that you're from Ao3 and which story you're coming from, that would be awesome and I'll most definitely follow you back. And we can chat if you want about whatever. It'll be cool. Promise.
> 
> Till next time!


	6. No More Wasted Time/Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little rewind, and a surprise birthday party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, another two-for-one deal here because the first was so short. I'm assuming y'all don't want to read something that's literally less than a couple hundred words. So here's the next two song/chapters for you. Enjoy!

Lexa Woods was nothing if not practical. She graduated top of her class from Vassar, married her college sweetheart, moved out west with her. It was all a logical process from beginning to end.

And yet, Lexa Woods dreaded every moment of it.

Three years into her marriage, and Lexa knew she had to get out. She was wasting everyone's time by staying with Costia. Neither of them were happy. Neither of them wanted to be together any more. And they rarely saw each other, anyway.

When Lexa _really_ started hating her job, she was at her breaking point.

Costia had come home that day to find her packing her bag with tears in her eye.

"Where are you going?" Costia's voice was unemotional. She wasn't upset. She wasn't worried. She was resigned. She knew this was coming just as much as Lexa did.

"Home. I'm tired of standing still. I used to dream of building cities, and now I'm going to go do it. I'm done with life out here." She turned to look at Costia, offering a hug. She wasn't mad at her, and she definitely didn't hate her. They could make this amicable. "We did our best, didn't we?"

Costia smiled sadly and hugged Lexa. "Yeah, we gave it a good shot. You can't wait just a little longer?" she asked hopefully. "See if things settle out?"

Lexa shook her head, holding Costia out at arms' length. "We both know we'd be wasting even more time if I stuck around. It's time to move on."

That was the last time she saw Costia. And while it hurt to think about, she was happy that she had decided to leave.

Staying was a mistake. Marrying Costia right out of grad school was a mistake. Moving to Arizona was a mistake. But life is full of mistakes.

And now she was is New York City, the city that lived and breathed and gave her life. And she was dating a great woman and had awesome friends. And she had a good job.

Clarke told her to chase her dreams. She always encouraged her to do what she thought was best.

Octavia kept reminding her to go with the flow and to let life's chips fall where they may (she was like a damn fortune cookie more often than not).

Octavia's boyfriend, Lincoln, gave solid advice, too. He quickly became a close friend and confidant for Lexa. His calm demeanor and relaxed yet thought out approach to almost everything balanced Octavia and gave confidence to Lexa. He was also really supportive of Lexa trying for a new path if that's what she wanted.

Gustus' business card still sat underneath her jewelry box on her dresser, for safe keeping. He'd still be there later. Lexa couldn't just leave her students high and dry, could she? No. And she liked teaching. It wasn't the most lucrative career choice, but she was making a difference in these kids' lives.

She could join Gustus later, if the opportunity arose.

*****

It was her birthday. She was tired, she was grumpy, and she really just wanted to go home and lounge on her couch and wait for Clarke to get off work to join her for (god she was turning into a sap) some cuddles before bed.

She grumbled to herself as she fumbled with her apartment key, trying to get in the door.

You'd think that after a year of living in the place, she'd be used to unlocking the door by now. She should have it down to a science. And yet, struggle she still did.

When she got the door to finally open, she wished she hadn't.

" _Surprise_!" Multiple voices yelled out, scaring the shit out of her and making her drop her bag and keys onto the apartment floor.

"Holy fuck, what is wrong with you people? _How did you get in here_?" she asked, trying to reign in her anger and calm down her heart rate. Right now she _really_ hated her friends.

Octavia swung over to her, wrapping an arm around Lexa's shoulders and pushing her bag and keys to the wall with her foot. She led Lexa further into the apartment. "You gave me a spare key, just in case of an emergency, remember? Always so practical and prepared, Lexa."

"Yeah. For _emergencies_ ," Lexa said, glaring at her friend. Ex-friend? Maybe that was something to consider once her heart stopped trying to escape her chest.

"This _was_ an emergency," Octavia said adamantly. "It's your birthday, Lexa. And you were going to, what? Come home and laze the evening away? You only turn twenty-nine once."

"And I'll be lucky to make it to thirty at this rate."

"Oh hush," Octavia waved her off. "There's just a few of us here. A couple colleagues from work and all your close friends. Lincoln, babe, can you grab a beer for Lexa? She needs to loosen up."

Lincoln nodded with an apologetic smile to Lexa, disappearing into the kitchen. Octavia directed Lexa into the living room.

"We're going to head up to the rooftop before the night's over. That's where all the decorations actually are."

"You decorated my roof?"

"Of course I did. Now you sit here and wait for your drink. Mingle. Have fun. Enjoy life."

Lexa rolled her eyes, but sat down on her couch. At least she had managed to get to where she wanted to be to begin with, no matter how short lived her lazing on the couch would last with the party going on.

"Lexa, hey," Anya said, sitting down beside her. "Nice party." The look she gave Lexa told her that Anya _knew_ she didn't want a party. She had never been a party-person. She _hated_ parties.

"Were you in on this?"

Anya shook her head. "I tried to convince them not to throw you a party. Maybe just set up a nice dinner somewhere without any real excitement. But, what Octavia and Raven want, Octavia and Raven get." She smiled softly as she watched Raven laughing with one of Lexa's colleagues.

"Raven was involved in this?"

"Clarke mentioned your birthday was coming up. She even said a party probably wouldn't be a good idea. She seems to know you pretty well."

"I'd hope so after almost a year of dating."

"Fair. Anyway, Raven doesn't pass up on a reason to party if she can help it. Thus..." Anya gestured to the gathered people in Lexa's apartment.

Lexa hummed, sinking into the couch and accepting the beer that Lincoln handed her. "How's that going, anyway? Raven got you wrapped around her finger even tighter?"

Anya huffed, feigning annoyed, but the small smile on her lips betrayed her. "I should have never agreed to that first date."

"She was pretty persistent."

"She's a stubborn one, that's for sure. And when she and Clarke are together, it's only ten times worse. I can't imagine what it was like overseas with those two wreaking havoc."

Lexa laughed. "I've heard some of the stories. It seemed quite the event whenever the two had a night off."

"That's what I've heard as well," Anya said with a little chuckle. "Speaking of, Clarke should be here soon. She's bringing the cake."

"Cake?"

"Of course. Because, according to Raven, 'every birthday party needs cake.' They took planning this thing very seriously."

"Yes we did," Raven said, walking up to them. She plopped down in Anya's lap and looked at Lexa expectantly. "And now you need to give a speech to thank all your guests for coming."

"Is that something that people do at their birthday parties? It seems rather formal for something so casual." And Lexa _did not_ want even more attention on her. She already knew she'd have to make her rounds and talk to everyone there. She looked over to the corner to see one of the male professors from the school lingering by the punch bowl. He dipped his finger in and brought it to his mouth, tasting it. Lexa cringed. She'd have to remember to avoid that for the rest of the night now.

"This is a mature birthday party. And at mature birthday parties, the one who is being celebrated should always give a speech."

"I don't think that's a thing."

"Oh, it's definitely a thing."

Anya rolled her eyes, but wound her arms around Raven's waist. "You may just want to give in before she does something even more drastic."

"What could be more drastic than throwing a surprise birthday party for someone who _hates_ surprises?" Lexa challenged.

And Raven took that challenge with a raised brow. "Speech! Speech! Speech!" she started chanting, getting the others gathered to join. Anya cringed apologetically.

"Okay, okay! Fine!" Lexa said, standing and holding her bottle of beer up to get people's attention. "Hey, uhm, thanks for the surprise. I think Octavia said something about the rooftop being decorated, so let's move this up there. It should be a nice night out, yeah?"

Everyone stared at her silently for a moment before they started moving, making their way outside to her rooftop access.

"That," Raven said, standing from Anya's lap with a disappointed little glare. "Was the lamest speech I have _ever_ heard."

"I didn't have time to prepare."

"Anything would have been better than 'hey, uhm, thanks for the surprise.' Shit. And to think you're a professor of higher education."

Lexa glared at her and shoved her toward the balcony door. "Shut up and go upstairs."

"Yeah, Raven. Stop picking on my girl." Clarke's arms wrapped around Lexa's waist, startling her at the sudden new presence. She quickly settled in Clarke's arms, though, leaning into the comforting embrace.

"Did you hear that lame excuse of a speech, Clarke?"

Clarke leaned her chin on Lexa's shoulder, looking at Raven with a raised brow. "I told you she didn't want a party. You can't expect her to give an enthusiastic speech when she legitimately _hates_ surprise parties."

Lexa tossed her hands up pointedly. "Exactly. Thank you for being a voice of reason, babe."

Clarke kissed her cheek, letting her go to stand beside her instead. "Anything for you, love."

(She couldn't fight the smile at the term of endearment. It still got to her every time Clarke called her 'love' or told her that she loved her. It was just so... crazy.)

Raven rolled her eyes. "Fine. Anya and I are going up. We'll see you up there. Don't take too long. You'll miss all the fun."

"Define 'fun,'" Lexa mumbled under her breath, earning a little chuckle from Clarke.

The apartment cleared out quickly with everyone trying to get up onto the rooftop. Because apparently rooftop parties were still as popular as they were in college.

"I'm sorry about all this," Clarke said, cringing a little sheepishly. "I really did try to deter them."

Lexa hummed, kissing Clarke soundly. "I'm sure you did." She kissed her again, winding her arms around Clarke's neck as Clarke gripped at her sides.

They broke apart when the need for breath finally caught up with them. "Not that I'm complaining," Clarke said, still trying to catch her breath, "but what was that for?"

Lexa smiled and pecked Clarke's cheek with another quick kiss. "I didn't get to give you a proper hello. So... Hi." She smiled a little shyly at her girlfriend. Because Clarke Griffin still gave her butterflies, and she couldn't imagine that ever stopping, even if they stayed together the rest of their lives.

Clarke smirked. "Did you miss me, love?"

Lexa rolled her eyes, shoving Clarke playfully. "Don't let it go to your head."

"We were just together this morning."

"That was hours ago."

"And you missed me _so_ much," Clarke said, drawing out the 'so' dramatically.

Another eye roll. "Again, don't let it go to your head." She paused, scratching absentmindedly at the nape of Clarke's neck, playing with the little baby hairs there. "I was actually hoping for a quiet night in with you to celebrate growing another year older."

"Doesn't seem like you're going to be getting that until later," Clarke agreed apologetically. "I can try to kick them all out, if you'd like."

Lexa shook her head and looked to the door to her balcony. "No, let them have their fun."

"We should probably go join them, then."

Lexa groaned dramatically and let her arms fall from Clarke's shoulders. "Let's get this over with."

*****

" _Clarke_!" Raven yelled excitedly, dragging Anya along behind her. "Clarke, you won't believe what just happened."

"You beat someone in beer pong," Clarke offered.

"No."

Clarke tapped her chin, pretending to be deep in thought (which Lexa didn't find totally adorable at all. Really)(she totally did). "You made a bet that you could streak through the streets of Manhattan without getting arrested."

" _No_."

"You finally got someone to agree to a threesome that actually included you."

Lexa couldn't help laughing at that.

" _NO_. God, would you _shut up_ and just let me tell you?"

Clarke chuckled and waved Raven on, wrapping her arm around Lexa's waist and leaning into her. Lexa pressed a kiss to Clarke's temple.

Anya stood beside Raven, looking a little apprehensive and twitchy. If Lexa didn't know better, she'd say she was nervous about something.

"I _finally_ convinced this one to move in with me." She nudged Anya with her elbow.

"You what?" Lexa asked, looking at Anya disbelievingly. Anya flinched back before schooling her features and rubbing at the back of her neck a little self-consciously.

"Yeah, she was pretty persistent about it."

"How did you manage that one?" Clarke asked. She also looked at Anya, and Lexa noted the slight bit of concern in her gaze. Clarke was never one to miss out on small social cues, and by the way Anya was standing, she definitely didn't feel one-hundred percent comfortable with all the attention. Clarke looked back to Raven.

Raven shrugged. "I just reminded her that we're actually a real-life couple and that she needed to just get on board with that. Because I'm not about to just go away."

"And you're okay with this, Anya?" Lexa asked, brow quirked in question.

Anya sighed and the tension she was holding in her shoulders seemed to melt away. Raven wrapped her arm around Anya's waist, pulling her closer and placing a big kiss on her cheek, making Anya laugh a little. "Yeah, I'm good with it. I'm honestly looking forward to it."

"Isn't it a bit... traditional for you?" Lexa asked. If she knew anything about Anya, it was that she tried to stay away from the traditional relationship set up. And yet...

"It is. But Raven's worth it," she said nonchalantly with a little shrug.

Clarke laughed and cupped Raven on the shoulder. "Well good for you both. We can help you move everything over whenever you want to."

Raven lit up. "Thanks, Griff. We'll let you know when it's all happening." And with that, Raven dragged Anya away excitedly to where some people were starting to dance to the music Octavia had set up.

"That... was unexpected," Lexa finally said, leaning against the guardrail. Clarke leaned next to her, pressing into her side.

"Yeah. But with Raven, it was just a matter of time. She'll have Anya agreeing to marry her within the next couple years, I bet."

"You think?" Lexa asked skeptically. "Anya isn't really one for life-long commitment."

Clarke laughed. "Sounds like someone else I know."

"Hey, I gave it a try before. It just didn't work out."

Clarke shrugged. "Doesn't seem like your so willing to give it a try again."

"Who said that?"

Clarke looked at her pointedly. "It took over two months for you to let me call you my girlfriend. You literally had to give yourself a pep talk the first night I stayed over."

"That doesn't mean I'm avoiding commitment. It means I'm being cautious."

"So you aren't against commitment?" Clarke asked, pushing off of the guard rail to stand in front of Lexa. She shoved her hands into her jacket pockets and watched Lexa patiently.

Lexa chewed on her lip in thought as she looked Clarke over. She knew what she wanted to say. But she also knew that commitment was... well, _commitment_. She couldn't handle something not working out again. The Costia incident was bad enough. And what was wrong with just being together without giving it a name? Who needed official titles? But for Clarke...

Lexa shrugged. "I wouldn't necessarily be against it, depending on the situation."

Clarke's blank expression melted into a nervous smile. "Really?"

"I guess."

"That's great to hear because..." She knelt down on one knee, pulling out a little box from her pocket. "I really, _really_ want you to marry me."

"Shit," Lexa gasped out, looking down at Clarke with wide eyes. "Are you serious right now?"

Clarke nodded from where she knelt. "I've never been more serious about anything in my life. This just... it feels right."

"But you've thought this through? You want to marry _me_? When there are millions, _billions_ of other people out there that would be more than happy to marry you? Have you thought this through, Clarke? Because I'm maybe not the best candidate for this. I'm screwed up and I have problems and my job isn't the best paying and I'm just--"

Clarke quickly stood up, bracketing Lexa between her and the guard rail. She put her hands on the rail on either side of Lexa. "Lexa." She leaned in and kissed her sweetly. "There is no one else I would rather have by my side for the rest of my life. I love _you_ and I want to marry _you_. You're stubborn and frustrating and so full of shit most of time time, and I know you're scared. But I love you and I want to marry you so bad. I can't imagine not marrying you."

"You're sure?" Lexa asked barely above a whisper. She couldn't believe this was actually happening. Clarke Griffin _really_ wanted to marry her. This wasn't a dream. She could feel Clarke leaning against her, feel her body heat seeping into her skin. She could feel the press of Clarke's lips against her own as she leaned in to give Lexa another kiss. She could see the shininess of Clarke's eyes as she fought off tears. She could hear all the people that were celebrating her birthday carrying on as if the biggest moment in her life wasn't happening _right now._

"I've never been more sure about anything in my life," Clarke said seriously. "Marry me."

Lexa choked on her words, a lump forming in her throat making it impossible for anything to come out. She could feel the tears starting to form in her own eyes now. But she wouldn't cry. She wouldn't. That was just silly. (She totally started crying.)

So she nodded instead. She nodded and threw her arms around Clarke's shoulders. And Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa's waist and spun her around, pressing kisses to any skin she could reach.

The ring fit perfectly when Clarke slid it on her finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for being engaged! If you didn't notice, a decent chunk of time has passed. Lexa moved to NYC about a year ago, and started dating Clarke shortly after. So, yes, they're moving a bit quick. But at the same time, they're Clarke and Lexa and they spend almost all of their free time together. And soulmates, right??
> 
> Anyway, next chapter will be up in two days. 
> 
> Comments/requests/kudos are always loved. And you can find me on tumblr @musiclurv . If you do decide to find me on tumblr, let me know that you're coming from Ao3 so I can follow you back and we can chat.
> 
> See you soon!


	7. This Day/Walking by a Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weddings and exciting announcements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter today. At least it'll be a quick read for y'all before you head into the weekend.

The wedding was perfect.

Clarke looked stunning in her dress uniform, all shiny boots and pressed jacket and medals and badges.

And the look she gave Lexa as she walked down the aisle to her convinced Lexa (as if she needed any more convincing) that this was absolutely the right choice. She loved Clarke more than anyone before. And she wanted to spend the rest of her life loving her.

It was warm out when they left the church, with their friends and coworkers stumbling out before them. They had decided on a May wedding, and the weather stayed perfect for them. It was really a perfect day.

"You know something?" Lexa asked as they climbed into the limo.

"What's that, my wife?" Clarke said, smiling broadly and goofily at her. Lexa felt her chest warm up at the title. Because she was Clarke's _wife_ and Clarke was her _wife_ and they were now the Mrs. Griffin-Woods' and everything was _perfect_.

Lexa shook herself out of her thoughts when Clarke chuckled at her. "I screwed up a lot in my life. And there was a lot of hurt and a lot of pain." Clarke took her hand and kissed the back of it, encouraging her to go on. "I'd go through it all again gladly if it meant I ended up here."

Clarke looked up at her through her lashes, the happiness shining in her eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too, Clarke. With everything in me."

*****

"Octavia and Lincoln are getting married."

"Excuse me, what?" Lexa asked with a little laugh. Clarke had just walked into the apartment, a bewildered look on her face.

"Uh, yeah. I think Octavia was waiting for me to get home to tell me."

"Why didn't she just knock? She knew I was here."

Clarke shrugged, pulling off her hat and jacket as she walked through the apartment to where Lexa was sitting on the couch. She leaned down and pressed a quick but loving kiss to her lips. "I'm not sure. She's your best friend."

Lexa hummed. "When's the wedding?"

"Now."

Lexa startled back, looking up at Clarke and hoping she hadn't heard correctly. "Wait, what?"

Clarke nodded with a little laugh. "Yeah, they're getting married now. They're going to the courthouse. And she asked that we'd be their witnesses."

Lexa jumped up from the couch, about to storm out of the apartment to find her friend. "What happened to giving people a little warning? I don't have anything to wear to something like that. And what if we had plans tonight? She can't just throw this on us out of the blue."

Clarke caught her around the waist, pulling her back against her chest with a laugh. "Whoa there, love. Deep breath. What you're wearing is beautiful."

Lexa looked down at her work clothes pointedly. "I look like I just finished teaching some college kids."

"Because you did," Clarke said with a little smirk, kissing Lexa's neck.

And Lexa couldn't help relaxing at the gentle caress.

"Are they heading out right now?"

Clarke nodded against Lexa's shoulder. "We're going right after I pee. I've been holding it for an hour."

Lexa laughed, shoving Clarke off of her. "You're so classy."

"Just for you, babe," Clarke said jokingly, blowing Lexa a kiss.

"Please don't teach our kid your version of class," Lexa said, biting her lip excitedly after the words left her mouth. She waited for Clarke to catch on to her meaning. She had been trying to figure out how to tell Clarke for about a week now. But she was tried of waiting. Why not just say it? They had been trying for months now, and Clarke was so disappointed every time one of the treatments failed. She tried to hide it, but Lexa knew. And they were going to try one more time before thinking about adoption.

The one more time stuck.

Clarke froze, staring at Lexa with her mouth agape. "Wait... our kid?" she asked hopefully.

Lexa nodded, still biting at her lip to try to hold in her smile.

"Our kid?" Clarke repeated again disbelievingly.

"That's what I said, love."

A moment of silence passed between them.

And then Clarke launched across the space that separated them, hugging Lexa to her tightly. "Oh my god, _our kid_!" She pulled away and placed her hand on Lexa's stomach reverently. "Our kid is in there right now."

"That's usually how it works, Clarke."

"Shit," Clarke breathed out, still sounding disbelieving and yet so amazed. "We're going to have a kid. A baby. We're going to be _moms_." She looked up at Lexa excitedly and wrapped her arms around her again. "I love you so much, Lex. So fucking much. Let's go celebrate. We need to celebrate. No drinks, though. God, no drinks. That's going to be rough for a while. We'll get used to it, though. Raven's going to be pretty bummed when I don't drink with her, though."

Lexa laughed and put her hands on Clarke's shoulders to get her to stop talking. "Babe, we have to go with Octavia right now. So no celebrating today. And you know you don't have to stop drinking. You're not pregnant. I am."

Clarke's face split into a huge grin. "You're _pregnant_. With our kid. Yours and mine."

Lexa smiled lovingly at Clarke, leaning in to press a kiss to her lips. "I'm pregnant with our baby, Clarke," she repeated.

Clarke smiled again, pressing tightly to her and kissing her soundly.

Octavia and Lincoln could wait just a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So at least it was an EXCITING short chapter, right??
> 
> Next chapter will be up in two days. It'll be a bit longer. But, I did warn y'all that these chapters would be shorter.
> 
> Comments/kudos are the loves of my life. Seriously. They're my favorite things.
> 
> You can also come find me on tumblr @musiclurv


	8. Hey Kid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pregnancy and a new, welcomed guest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All cuteness here. Enjoy!

The months flew by. Lexa grew grumpier, but she tried to not take it out on Clarke. Her back hurt and her feet hurt, and her ankles were swollen, and she just wanted to _take a nap_.

But Clarke pampered her as much as she could.

Which is what she was doing right now.

Lexa was laying on their bed, her feet propped up on some pillows, munching on a snack that Clarke brought her when she got home.

And Clarke? Clarke was laying with her head on Lexa's chest, rubbing softly at the very noticeable baby bump. Lexa was engrossed in the documentary playing on TV, but was distracted from it when she heard Clarke murmuring against her belly.

"Hey, kid. We're waiting on you now, you know? And we're all wondering what you'll do and who you'll be. We're so excited that you're going to be here soon. And I know you hear us arguing sometimes, but we really are happy about you. We're so happy about you. We love you so much, baby. You're going to be loved so much when you get out here."

Lexa melted. She combed her fingers through Clarke's hair to get her attention. Clarke turned her head, propping her chin on Lexa's chest. "Comfy?" Lexa asked with a little laugh.

Clarke had definitely appreciated the change in boob size, though she was very gentle about it. Lexa, on the other hand, was feeling very self-conscious about her body changes. (Clarke reminded her every day how beautiful she was.)

"Very," Clarke said with a content smile, her fingers tracing absentminded designs over Lexa's stomach.

They fell into a comfortable silence, lost in each other's eyes. _God_ , Lexa loved this woman.

"I'm scared," Clarke finally said, breaking the silence between them. Lexa quirked a brow in silent question. Clarke wasn't someone who got scared. She was brave and invincible and so, so strong. She didn't worry about things. That was Lexa's job. "I'm terrified, actually," Clarke continued with a little self-deprecating laugh. She glanced down, avoiding Lexa's eyes. "I did my OB rotation, so I know the ins and outs of all this. I know what's going to happen and how it's all going to go down." She looked back up at Lexa. "It's ridiculous. I'm a doctor and a soldier, and I've been shelled and under fire. But this kid scares the crap out of me."

Lexa smiled softly, her fingers scratching soothingly at Clarke's scalp. "It's going to be okay."

Clarke's brow furrowed in thought. "I'm not ready. I know it's too late to back out now, but I'm not ready even a little bit."

"I'm so used to the macho, confident Clarke. Where's she gone?" Lexa teased.

Clarke laughed a little. "You know, this whole time, inside I've been losing my shit. What if I'm not good enough for him? What if I screw him up? What if... what if he doesn't want me?"

Lexa had never seen her wife look so insecure. And she melted at the sight. "Come here," she said, opening her arms for Clarke.

Clarke climbed up her, resting her head on Lexa's shoulder and pressing her nose into Lexa's neck. She wrapped her arm around Lexa's waist gently as Lexa's arms came up to hold her close.

"We're going to figure all of this out. It's going to be a lot of guessing and a lot of trial and error. But we'll figure it out. And this kid is going to have so much love thrown on him, he isn't even going to know what to do with it all." She pressed a kiss to the crown of Clarke's head. "I love you, and I love him, and he is going to love you, too."

Clarke clung to her a little tighter. She knew the insecurities were still there. Hell, she had a load of worries and insecurities about this kid, too.

"Is he really going to stick around for eighteen years?" Clarke asked with a laugh in her voice.

Lexa laughed, hugging Clarke to her tightly.

They'd figure it out. Together.

*****

Lexa called her as soon as her water broke. Clarke was in a meeting (of course she was. Why would she be reachable when Lexa _actually_ went into labor?).

But she got there as quickly as she could. She grabbed a cab, though Lexa would have thought she ran the entire way with how much she was huffing and puffing by the time she got up to the fourth flour.

Lexa was already prepped in the hospital gown and on a bed when Clarke found her. Clarke bent over, hands on her knees as she caught her breath. "Stairs are killer," she huffed out.

"Why didn't you take the elevator?" Lexa asked teasingly. She cringed and doubled over when another contraction hit her.

Clarke laughed, leaning up to run her fingers through Lexa's hair. "God, you're beautiful."

"Clarke," Lexa said flatly. "I'm a mess. Don't lie."

"But you're about to have our baby. Our baby is about to be here, Lex." She smiled so brightly that Lexa was sure people down the hall would see the light from it.

*****

Eighteen hours. Eighteen _fucking_ hours later, and the damn kid was finally out of her.

Lexa slumped on the bed, sweat soaked and grumpy and hurting. _Fuck_ did she hurt. But the worst was over.

The nurses were cleaning the baby. He had started crying quickly, squirming and spitting and screaming so loudly, Lexa wasn't sure that they weren't hurting him. And she would have lunged for him if she had any energy to do so.

And then he was clean, and they put him in a little blanket and handed him gently to Clarke.

And Clarke was _glowing_. She looked up at Lexa with the biggest smile Lexa had ever seen, the baby cradled in her arms lovingly and so gently.

Clarke walked to her, careful of every movement. The baby had stopped squirming moments after Clarke started holding him. She handed him over to Lexa, and she held him to her chest.

"He's beautiful, Lex."

Lexa just nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks. Because she was holding _their baby_. Their son was in her arms. And Clarke was hovering over her, her arm resting above Lexa's head as she looked down in amazement at their baby boy.

"Hey there, Aden. Welcome to the world," Lexa cooed softly. She ran her finger down his soft little cheek, taking his waving hand and holding it between her thumb and finger.

"I... I feel like I've known him forever. I've _wanted_ him forever," Clarke choked out. Lexa looked up at her to see tears streaming down her own cheeks as well. "I'm going to do you proud, kid. Whatever this world comes to, and whatever comes our way. I promise I'll watch you and protect you." She leaned her forehead on the side of Lexa head, breathing in a shuddery breath. "We're gonna be okay."

*****

Luckily, they had the baby's room set up weeks ago. So everything was ready for him when they brought him home. Octavia had made sure their fridge was stocked for them so they wouldn't have to worry about that right away (Lexa would have to send a 'thank you' gift or something because the _last_ thing she wanted to worry about right now was what was for dinner).

The nights were rough. Aden slept in their room in a little bassinet for the first few months. And Lexa didn't get a full night's sleep a single night. She couldn't remember the last time she had slept through the night.

Aden didn't sleep, so neither did she.

They were up every few hours, the baby needing to be fed or changed or just comforted in his new environment.

And Lexa was _tired_. She was so, so tired.

She woke up one night to the sound of gentle cooing. And when she looked over at the baby, she found Clarke gently rocking him in her arms, whispering down at him quietly.

"Hey, baby boy. You know, when your just a little older, we're going to have so much fun. You'll be able to sleep through the night, and Mommy will be less grumpy because _she'll_ finally be able to sleep. We need to work on that, alright?" Clarke asked him with a little laugh. "You're running her ragged and you can't even crawl yet." Aden gurgled up at her, his little hands waving in the air. "You know, I never expected you. A few years ago, I didn't know I was going to be here holding you, with the love of my life sleeping in bed just a few feet away." Lexa melted just a little at that. "But I have some words of wisdom for you. You want to hear them, A?" Another little gurgle from Aden, and Clarke chuckled. "Too bad. You're getting them anyway."

Clarke moved to sit down in the rocking chair. She didn't notice Lexa watching her with a loving smile on her face.

"This life is what you make it, you know? I know that's super cliche, but..." she looked up at Lexa, but in the darkness couldn't see Lexa watching her. "If I hadn't tried with your mom, and if she hadn't given me a chance, you wouldn't be here right now. Which would be the worst thing in the world for me. Because you make my life, you know? You and your mommy are my everything, kid." She sniffled a little, and Lexa had to wipe at her own eyes. Luckily, Clarke had looked back down at Aden and didn't see the movement. "I know I have no clue what to do with you. I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm sure your mommy doesn't either. We're kind of lost here. But I promise we're going to try our best. Because you're our kid. You're our little baby boy." She stood up, Aden having calmed down and presumably fallen back to sleep to the sound of Clarke's voice. She placed him back in his bassinet, her fingers trailing over his little bit of hair gently. "I love you, Aden." She leant down and pressed a little kiss to his head. "We love you so much."

Lexa rolled over and clung to Clarke as her wife got back into bed. She pressed a kiss to Clarke's jaw and Clarke's arms wrapped around her.

"I love you, Clarke."

"I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Aden's here!! Clarke and Lexa love him like crazy. And he's super cute. So our happy little family got a bit bigger. 
> 
> Next chapter in a couple days. See ya then!!
> 
> Comments/kudos are loved so much! You can find me on tumblr @musiclurv


	9. Best Worst Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke get a night out, and Raven and Anya have some developments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually one of my favorite songs from the musical. Just sayin. Enjoy!

They went out. _Finally_ , they were able to go out.

Octavia and Lincoln took over babysitting duties and were at Clarke and Lexa's apartment with Aden. They were under strict orders to call if anything happened.

But Clarke and Lexa were out at a little bar with Raven and Anya, and they were actually able to just relax without having to worry about a baby waking up or crying or needing changing or--

"What if he can't sleep?" Lexa asked, gripping at Clarke's arm. "What if he needs more milk or if he needs that little song you sing him? We shouldn't have left him, Clarke. I'm going to call--"

"No," Clarke said with a laugh. She grabbed Lexa's arms and kissed her forehead, her thumbs tracing soothing circles on Lexa's skin. "He's fine. O knows to call if anything comes up. So until that happens, _if_ that happens, we're going to enjoy our time out with some friends and just _be_ for a bit, alright?"

Lexa breathed deeply, letting it out slowly. "Alright. You're right."

"I'm always right," Clarke said smugly.

Lexa rolled her eyes and sat back in her seat. "Whatever, love."

Clarke laughed and threw her arm around the back of Lexa's seat, her hand resting on Lexa's shoulder. "Enjoy, babe. We'll be home soon enough."

"Now that that's settled, it's time for drinks," Raven said, signaling to the bartender for a round of beers. "You drinking again, Lexa?"

Lexa shook her head. "Just water for me today."

Raven rolled her eyes, but got up and got their drinks, getting a water for Lexa instead of a beer. "You're lucky I'm nice," she said as she placed their drinks down on the table.

Clarke took her drink and took a healthy gulp of it. "You're the greatest, Rae," she admitted after she swallowed.

"Greatest pain in my ass," Anya said, making a face at Raven when Raven gasped and looked at her.

"I am the best thing that's happened to you."

"You really think so, huh?" Anya asked blandly. She swirled her beer around in her glass and looked Raven over. "I don't know. I've seen better."

Raven glared at her. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were trying to insult me into leaving you."

Anya shrugged. "Take it as you will."

"Be careful, Forrester. At this rate you may hurt my feelings. Maybe even bruise my pride."

"Is it that easily bruised?"

Lexa rolled her eyes, leaning on her elbows on the table. "You two are ridiculous."

"Ridiculously in love with each other," Clarke said teasingly.

Anya stiffened and Raven looked at her curiously.

"I don't know if I'd go that far," Anya admitted quietly.

Raven's jaw dropped. Even Lexa saw the pain in her eyes before it flipped to a determined glare. "No. You can't do that."

"What?" Anya asked, looking up at Raven as she stood.

"You can guard your heart forever. I know what you're doing. Trying to keep it safe and sound, thinking that love is just too heavy, right?" She looked at Anya, waiting for a response. She rolled her eyes when Anya just looked down at the table. "Well guess what? Loving won't feel so heavy if you spread that shit around." She leaned over her chair to get into Anya's space. "What is it that you're afraid of? Behind hurt? Let down? Destroyed?" She flung her arms up in the air in exasperation, clearly frustrated that this conversation was happening.

Lexa was pretty sure they'd had some similar conversation to this before. "Well, you know it all could happen, but there's more you can't avoid. I just don't get it. With everything else, you're a die-hard, a radical even. You're a fighter through and through. So would you just tell me why..." She clutched at her hair in frustration. "Why are you so afraid of this?"

Raven grabbed her drink and downed the rest of it. Anya was looking up at her in shock, her jaw dropped. Raven slammed her glass back down, wiping her mouth quickly. "Damn it, woman up! There's no way you could know how this could end until you actually let it happen. It's okay to be a little lost and wary and afraid. But you can't just hide away from it. Maybe I'm a mistake. But I'll be the best worst mistake you ever made."

Anya stood up, reaching out to Raven before letting her hand fall back to her side defeatedly. "It's not that I don't love you." She scoffed at herself. "I'd lie to say I'm not always thinking of you."

"Exactly," Raven said, flinging her arms out in annoyance.

Lexa and Clarke continued to sit in their seats, watching their friends make a scene. "This is loads better than those documentaries you like watching so much," Clarke whispered in Lexa's ear.

Lexa smacked her arm lightly, trying to hold in a laugh. "Shut up. Our friends are having an actual argument here."

"Have you seen these two argue? They're going to end up in bed together by the end of it."

Lexa just hummed in response, drawn in again by Anya starting up her argument again.

"But when something is that deeply felt, I can't just say something so shallow and expected, you know? I can't just say that I love you."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not _right_ ," Anya growled out frustratedly. She turned from Raven and crossed her arms, glaring at nothing.

Raven reached out to her hopefully, but didn't touch her. "But you _are_ in love, right?"

Anya just shrugged, refusing to agree or disagree.

"And love can be pretty nice."

"Love's a bitch," Anya barked out.

"It can mean happiness."

"When it's true."

"Can't this be true?"

"But it could be _not_ true, too."

"How can you know one way or the other if you don't give it a damn shot, Anya?" Raven asked frustratedly.

"We've been giving it a shot!"

"And I know I love you, alright?"

By this point they were pretty much yelling, and Lexa was almost completely certain that they were about to be kicked out of the bar.

Anya stiffened and turned to look at Raven. "How can you know for sure?"

"I just do," Raven admitted. She took a tentative step toward Anya, hands held out in supplication. "I just know that I love you and that I'll keep loving you until my dying breath. If you'd just _let_ me."

"I think we're seeing some major development here," Clarke whispered to Lexa. Which earned her another little smack as Lexa watched their friends closely. If she knew Anya at all, she knew this was a huge step for her.

"I--" Anya started, cutting herself off. She glared down at the floor, her fists clenching at her sides.

"You?" Raven asked hopefully.

"I want to let you," Anya finally mumbled. "I want to love you." She looked up at Raven hesitantly, biting at her lip nervously.

Raven's entire countenance lit up as she lunged forward, pulling Anya into a hug and kissing her soundly. "Yes. I love you. You can love me. We can do this."

Anya nodded, wrapping her arms around Raven and leaning into the hug. "I love you, Raven."

"I love you too, Anya."

"And that," Clarke said, louder this time, gesturing to the two embracing women, "is history being made. Take a picture, babe. This is one for the books."

And that earned her a smack to the back of the head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! Anya and Lexa are super similar in their aversion to commitment, but we get to see them overcome that. Because Raven and Clarke are both super stubborn and don't give up that easily. That's a good thin, though. For these two anyway.
> 
> Next chapter will be longer. That's all I'm going to say about it.
> 
> Comments and Kudos are my favorite things in the whole world.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @musiclurv . If you decide to chat with me or follow me, let me know you're from Ao3 so I know what's happening.
> 
> See you in two days!


	10. I Hate You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And things Change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There's quite a bit of language in this chapter. 
> 
> And ouch.
> 
> Please don't hurt me.

Clarke's footsteps were heavy as she came into the apartment. Everything about her seemed heavy, actually. And Lexa would have noticed if she hadn't been so focused on _not_ noticing.

Because she knew what that look meant. She just _knew_ this was coming.

"Where's Aden?" Clarke asked, her voice more tired than Lexa ever thought she'd heard it before.

"In his crib, napping. I put him down about fifteen minutes ago."

Clarke nodded and sat in one of the dining room chairs, taking her hat off and running her hand through her hair with a deep sigh. An empty duffel lay at her feet. "Lex, I need to talk to you."

Lexa tensed. "So talk."

"You may want to sit down for this one."

"I'm fine." She crossed her arms and looked at Clarke expectantly.

Clarke's strong facade broke as she tried again and again to say whatever it was she needed to tell Lexa. Finally, she seemed to find the words. "I got my orders."

"Your orders?"

Clarke nodded. "My troop's being sent back overseas. I'm doing another tour."

Lexa scowled, her fists tightening at her sides. "I knew this was going to happen. Fucking hell. You can't go!"

"I have to," Clarke said, begging Lexa to understand. "I can't not go, Lex." She reached out for Lexa to take her hand, but Lexa very pointedly ignored her.

"Like hell you can't go. You have a _son_ , Clarke. You can't just pack up and leave him behind!"

"I have no choice, Lexa!"

"God, I knew this was too good to be true," Lexa said, running her hands through her hair in frustration. "I knew it was. I fucking _hate_ you."

"No you don't, Lex."

"Yes, I really do."

"I love you."

Lexa's resolve crumbled just a little. "I love you, too," she let slip out before she could catch it. "No," she said firmly, shaking her head. "I hate you. You can't leave me. I need you."

"I'll be back soon."

"You know what? Forget it. God, I really hate you."

"Lex, you don't mean that." Clarke stood from her seat, trying to draw nearer to Lexa.

Lexa clung to her for a second, pleadingly. "Don't leave me. Please. I love you."

"I love you, too. But I can't _not_ go. I have to listen to my orders. I have a job to do."

"Don't say that. You can't say that you love me if you're going to leave me. What does it matter? Your damn love isn't going to keep you here!" She pushed Clarke away from her. "So leave me. Whatever! It's not like I need you."

"Lex, please." Clarke hugged her to her, not letting her go no matter how much she struggled.

"I need you. Please don't leave me," Lexa cried into her shoulder as she clung to Clarke's back, her fingers gripping at the military jacket Clarke was wearing. "I'm not a selfish person. But right now I really, really need you to stay. Okay?" She looked up at Clarke hopefully, tears streaming down her face.

Clarke cupped her cheek. "In my life, I haven't made that many promises. I'm not one to promise something that I really can't guarantee. But I made a promise to him," she nodded toward Aden's room, "and one to you with this marriage. And you know me like no one else has ever known before. So you know what I have to do." Lexa's face crumpled. "And no matter what you say, I know you want me to."

Lexa pulled out of Clarke's hold again, pacing in frustration. "Okay, let's look at this calmly." She whipped around to glare at Clarke. "I hate you. I hate the ways that you've hurt me."

"Lex..."

"I know. You haven't. You've been the best thing to me. But you're clearly about to."

Clarke reached out to pull her into another hug.

"Don't touch me!" Lexa said, flinging Clarke off of her. "I hate you. Just leave us! Whatever! We'll get on without you." She pointed at Clarke accusingly and then brought her hand to her own chest. "I'm tough and resourceful. I'm steady and sturdy." She took a deep breath and laughed self-deprecatingly. "I'm freaking the fuck out."

"Lexa, I'm sorry," Clarke tried again. She reached out for her, but didn't touch her.

"I love you, but I hate you. You know what? Screw you. You're making me crazy. Just go! Go do what you're told! I don't fucking _care_ ," she cried, falling down into one of the dining room chairs and collapsing into sobs. "I don't care. _Just go._ "

Clarke looked at her longingly for a moment, but seemed to decide that Lexa needed some space. She reached down and picked up her empty duffel, making to go to their room to pack.

"Wait! _No_ ," Lexa cried after her, reaching out as if it was the most painful thing to do.

Clarke came running back without hesitation, pulling Lexa into her arms and rocking her back and forth. "I love you. I'm so sorry. I'll come back. I promise I won't leave you forever. I love you, Lexa. I love you, I love you, I love you," Clarke repeated. She continued whispering words of reassurance in Lexa's ear until Lexa finally let her coax her up and back to the bedroom where they spent the rest of the evening holding each other.

Clarke went and got Aden from his crib to join them when he woke up.

And Lexa clung to her even tighter when he was in their arms.

*****

Clarke became everything to Lexa. And Lexa had thought she could love her without wanting or needing her. She really did. But then it was too late.

She needed Clarke. She needed her so badly that her deployment physically hurt.

Clarke was her reason for living. She was her reason for meaning. She was her guiding light and her saving grave. And she was her single best decision in her life of bad decision after bad decision. She never felt out of place with Clarke.

So three months passed slowly.

Very slowly.

She wrote to Clarke. And they Skyped when they could. But it wasn't the same. Neither of them thought it was.

And then there was a month of silence.

No return letters. No late night Skype calls. No phone calls. Nothing.

Just. Silence.

And then there was a knock on the door.

"Mrs. Griffin-Woods?" the man in army uniform asked.

Lexa collapsed.

"We believe the insurgents intended the RPG attack to inflict the maximum casualties in the medical facility. You wife was working her second shift that day. The CO wanted you to know that the number of lives that she saved on her deployment..."

Lexa didn't hear the rest. She didn't need to.

Clarke was gone. Her world was dark. There was no more _point_.

Clarke had _lied_.

The man closed the door as he left, leaving Lexa to cry on her own.

"God damnit!" she wailed out, tears choking her. "You fucking did it! I knew you would do this, you asshole. I hate you. This is all your fault. How could you?" she yelled to the empty room. If Clarke wasn't coming back... if she wasn't going to be walking back through that door... "I hate you. I hate you," she chanted, doubling over on herself, her entire frame shaking. "I hate that I hate you," she cried. "I hate that I love you. I love you I..." she paused, choking on the next word. "I _loved_ you. I loved you and I lost you and I hate you." She pushed herself to her feet, banging her fist against the wall. "You asshole! You fucking _motherfucker_!" she cried, leaning against the wall heavily. Her legs trembled for just a moment before they gave out from under her and she found herself on the floor again.

Where she curled up.

Where she cried.

*****

Octavia brought Aden home from daycare that day.

She unlocked the door to Lexa's apartment with her spare key, calming Aden all the way back to his room. She put him in his crib for his afternoon nap and peeked into Lexa's room.

Which is where she found Lexa curled up in her bed, clinging to Clarke's pillow and crying.

"Aden's in his room," Octavia said quietly. She knew what happened. She had been just next door when the General showed up. She heard it all. Which is why she went to get Aden. But seeing Lexa like this... her own heart ached. Clarke was her friend, too. She was a friend to all of them. And they all felt this pain. But Lexa... it was worse. So much worse. "Call me if you need anything, okay?"

Lexa didn't respond more than a shaky nod of her head, and Octavia closed the door.

*****

Lexa made herself get up. She had things to take care of. A son to care for. She couldn't just _stop_.

She walked to Aden's room, looking over the side of his crib to find him sleeping soundly.

Reaching over the side, she ran her fingers through his thick head of hair. He looked so much like Clarke...

"In my life, I haven't made that many promises," she whispered, kneeling down beside the crib and repeating the words that Clarke had said to her all those months before. "I made one to her, and now I'm making one to you, too. I'll never let this world take me away from you," she cried. "I brought you here, and I'll see you through. Whatever comes, and whatever I must do... It's me and you, A. It's just me and you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that happened. 
> 
> BUT, I promise this isn't the end, and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Just stick through this with me for a bit. I PROMISE not to screw you all over with this story. This chapter was just as hard for me to write as it probably was to read. So I get it. 
> 
> The next chapter will be up in two days.
> 
> Comment below (we can cry together), or leave me some kudos if you want to. You can also find me on tumblr @musiclurv (where we can also cry together).


	11. A Map of New York (Reprise)/What Would You Do?/You Learn to Live Without

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And they adapt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this is three songs squished into one chapter (though they're out of order based on the soundtrack). Not super long, but it covers a decent amount of time. Enjoy isn't the right word. So...

Two months later, Lexa was out in the city with Aden. She still had things to do, no matter how much she felt that she couldn't. She still needed to take care of her son.

She bounced him on her hip while she waited in line at the grocery store.

"Alexandra?" She turned to find Gustus walking toward her. "I thought that was you! Who's this?" he asked, bending down to look at Aden in her arms.

"This is Aden. My son," she clarified. She hoped he didn't ask about the dark circles under her eyes that were becoming more and more pronounced as the days went on. Or her incredible frailty. She hadn't been taking care of herself like she should have been. But who could blame her when the person who she used to take care of herself for was...

"Hi there, Aden." He stood back up with a smile. "It's actually really great that I ran into you here. Remember all those years ago when I gave you my business card and asked you to call?"

Lexa cringed, readjusting Aden as an excuse to look away from Gustus. "Uh, yeah. Sorry, life kinda got in the way."

Gustus laughed. "No problem at all. But I want to extend a new offer to you. You've worked too hard to not take advantage of a job that you actually want. Are you still teaching?"

"How did you know that?"

"I have my connections," he said with a sly little smirk. He looked her over and his smirk dropped, apparently just noticing how completely horrible she looked. "Maybe it's the wrong time. But I think you've been at that school for long enough. You don't want to get stuck there. So maybe give me a call and we can work something out."

Lexa chewed on her lip in thought. She needed to get a better paying job. She couldn't support Aden and herself in New York with what she was making from her teaching job. And the stipend she was getting from the army wasn't really helping too much. If Clarke were there...

She shook her head. "Yeah, I think I'll take you up on that. I'll call you on Monday?" she asked.

Gustus smiled as if he had just received a gift he was waiting for his whole life. "Perfect! I'll put it on my schedule. Call any time. I'll be waiting."

He waved, and just like that, Lexa's life changed again.

*****

Raven watched Lexa silently as she nursed her whiskey.

She had been doing so for the past ten minutes.

And Lexa was tired of it. "What?" she finally snapped, scowling at Clarke's best friend. Because that was the only reason Raven was even here right now. Because of _Clarke_. If Lexa hadn't met Clarke in the first place, Raven wouldn't know Lexa at all. They'd be complete strangers.

And Lexa wouldn't feel like her heart was missing from her chest and an aching hole was all that was left.

Raven put her tumbler down and leaned her arms on the table. "Tell me something."

"You'll have to be an bit more specific."

Raven didn't even bat an eye at Lexa's tone. Instead, she continued to stare her down. Lexa couldn't tell if she was concerned or just looking her over clinically.

"If you met her tomorrow and knew you would lose her... If you saw her and saw all the hurt that you'd eventually feel. Would you still hold her while you had her? Or would you let her go?"

Lexa felt herself breaking again. She didn't realize her thoughts were that transparent. But Raven - brilliant, army mechanic at the age of eighteen, top of her class, Raven - saw right through her. "It hurts, Rae..." she admitted.

Raven nodded knowingly. She leaned forward a little more, laying a comforting hand on Lexa's arm. "But if you knew that all the laughter wouldn't last... but that while it did last, you'd breath it like air... Would you let her make you love her?"

Lexa looked away, down at her own tumbler, the ice clinking as she tilted it distractedly.

"You wouldn't have walked away, would you? If you could do it all over? If you could start new? If you could go back right now, knowing how it was going to end, would you have loved her the same?"

"I miss her, Raven. I miss her so much." She let the tumbler go and pulled her hand to her forehead, leaning against it. The tears came unbidden. "I can't keep going like this."

Raven got up from her seat, moving around the table to pull Lexa into a hug. She was the only one of their friends that could come close to understanding. She knew Clarke the longest. She knew her even longer than Lexa had. She was hurting, too.

"I know, Lex. I miss her, too."

And they cried together.

*****

It got... well, Lexa wouldn't really call it easier. It didn't get easier to wake up without Clarke by her side. And it didn't get easier to calm Aden down when he was crying for his Mama.

But she was learning to live without Clarke.

Day by day, she was learning how to make the changes she needed to.

Her friends helped.

Raven stopped by periodically to check in on her. She brought Aden gifts and tried to comfort them both as best she could.

Octavia was a godsend. She watched Aden whenever Lexa had to go to work at her new job. And she'd stick around for a while after she got home to just talk if Lexa was up for it. There were days when they'd just sit there silently.

Anya tried her best, but she was never one for comforting. She came with Raven most often, providing what support she could. She'd try to get Lexa's mind off of everything.

Lexa didn't want to forget.

There were arguments. A lot of arguments. A lot of screaming and crying and blaming.

They all understood.

And Lexa always felt horrible afterward.

Lincoln was a silent source of strength. He was someone that Lexa wasn't expecting to rely on so much. But she started to.

He started popping in even without Octavia. Especially after he noticed that Lexa hovered closer to him when she was feeling overwhelmed. She figured it was because he was such a relief from the energetic, always going nature of their other friends.

Which is why he was sitting in her dining room with her now, both with a cup of coffee in front of them.

"We haven't had time to talk in a while," Lincoln said in his gentle, calming voice. "How are you doing?"

Lexa looked down at her cup of coffee. "I'm learning. Adapting." She took a sip of her coffee and cringed. "I'm not used to this black anymore. Cl-Clarke always snuck some cream and sugar into it." She still couldn't say her name without stuttering over it. "She said I needed a little more sweetness in my morning routine."

Lincoln chuckled softly.

"I've learned that whiskey and cold showers help a lot," Lexa admitted.

"Are you getting any more sleep?"

Lexa shrugged. "When I can."

"Are you liking your new job? Settled in alright?"

Lexa laughed emotionlessly. "Well, I have more money now, that's for sure. And I have more time without having to juggle a second schedule..."

"But?"

"It's still hard. I had to start sending the laundry out. And I've had to stop the clocks. The ticking was driving me mad. I can't go to bed without double and triple checking that the door is locked. And..."

"And?" Lincoln prompted gently. She knew he'd never force her to continue on, but it was nice to just get it all out.

"I've learned how to stop feeling like I constantly need to just scream. Well, I still feel like that, but I've stopped unleashing it a lot." God, Lincoln was acting like the best psychiatrist she could ever ask for. She couldn't thank him enough for this. "Every hour I go without crying I count as a little win. It's hard looking at Aden sometimes, though."

"Why's that?" Lincoln took a sip of his coffee.

Lexa bit her lip, looking back down the hall where Aden was down for his nap. "He looks so much like her. His smile is hers. And his laughter... He has her laugh. And his eyes light up the same way when he gets excited. It... it hurts to look at him sometimes."

"But you're learning."

Lexa nodded, looking down at her lap sadly. "Yeah, I'm learning. I'm learning to live without her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So we have Lexa adjusting and Aden trying to understand. Her friends are coming through for her, though. We've gone through a few months here in this, and they're learning. 
> 
> The next chapter is the last one! It'll be up on Monday (two days from today). I'm sad to see this one ending already, but I'm also pretty proud of it. Thanks for sticking around for the ride. I hope you've enjoyed it so far. Sorry for the rough patch here, but it's part of life, you know? Next chapter, we'll be rounding everything off. We get to see some more emotions, but it's probably my favorite chapter. I'm looking forward to seeing how you all react.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos are always really appreciated. And you can find me on tumblr @musiclurv . Make sure to let me know that you're coming from Ao3 if you follow me/send me a message on there!


	12. Always Starting Over/What If (Reprise)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was actually a bit shorter than I remembered it being. But I hope you still like it.

"Lexa, we're going out."

Lexa shook her head, scrubbing at a stubborn piece of caked on food that refused to come off of the pan she had been trying to get clean for the past five minutes. "I can't. Someone has to watch Aden."

"He can come with."

Lexa looked over her shoulder at Raven, giving her a skeptical once-over. "I highly doubt that any place you plan to go to would be suitable for a four year-old."

"He'll be fine. I promise this place is child appropriate."

"Where are you suggesting?" Lexa asked. She threw the pan down in the sink, letting the running water from the faucet fill it. She'd let it soak and see if she couldn't get it clean later.

Grabbing a towel to dry her hands, she turned to face Raven fully.

Raven smiled happily at her. "Maddison Square Garden."

"Why?" Lexa asked suspiciously. Raven seemed to be up to something, and Lexa didn't know if she was prepared to deal with whatever it was.

Usually her friends let her say no without argument. They stayed in with her if she'd have them, or they'd take her out if she was up for it.

But this time, Raven was being far more stubborn about it than usual.

And Lexa was _tired_.

Raven shrugged. "It's a beautiful day out. The sun is shining and it's pretty warm. Octavia and Lincoln are already there. Anya's waiting downstairs for us. It'll be fun. It's good for you and Aden to get out every now and then and enjoy some fresh air."

Lexa squinted at her, trying to figure her out. "You're up to something. I can tell."

Raven's shoulders drooped. "Look..." she started hesitantly and gently. She moved forward and grabbed Lexa's hands (another unusual gesture coming from Raven). Lexa looked at their hands with a quirked brow. "It's been almost a year." Lexa tried to tug her hands out of Raven's grip, but Raven just held on harder, determined to get her point across. "It's been almost a year, Lexa. It's time get out and start living again."

"I _am_ living," Lexa bit out, finally yanking her hands free. "If you haven't noticed, I've gotten a new job, and I'm raising Aden just fine. We go out. He has fun with his little friends. I'm _living_."

"You're _surviving_ ," Raven argued. "You're surviving, not living. Your friends are worried about you."

"I'm _fine_ , Raven."

"No you're not!" Raven yelled. She took a breath and gentled her voice. "No you're not. And that's okay. I'm not either. But our friends help a lot. And they're waiting for us so that we can actually go out to a park and have some much needed _fun_." She waited for Lexa to look back up at her. "We're your family too, alright? You aren't alone in this."

Lexa stared her down for a minute before she felt her resolve break. The tenseness she was holding in her shoulders fell away, and she sighed in defeat. "Alright. Alright. Let me go get Aden ready. Call the others to let them know we'll be there soon."

Raven's face split into a huge smile as she dug her phone out of her pocket.

Lexa just hoped she wasn't agreeing to more than she thought.

*****

It wasn't so bad, being outside with her friends. Anya and Octavia kept her company while Lincoln and Raven played a bit off from them with Aden. (Aden loved chasing Lincoln, who would dramatically fall to the ground any time Aden caught him. He'd always burst out into a fit of giggles any time Lincoln fell.)

"He has a great support system," Anya offered, watching as Raven started chasing Aden, vowing to avenge her comrade. Aden screamed and ran from her, running around in a wide circle.

Lexa nodded, her own eyes following Aden for another moment before looking back at her friends. "Yeah. He has a lot of family to take care of him."

"So do you, you know?" Octavia said. "You aren't alone either."

Lexa looked down at Octavia's hand on hers, flipping her hand over to hold Octavia's. "Yeah, I'm learning that." She smiled timidly up at them, both smiling supportively in return.

" _Mama_!" Aden yelled. Lexa turned around, expecting him to come running to her for some new boo-boo that he got from falling down.

Instead, she saw him running toward someone dressed in an army uniform.

He'd done this before. He started to equate Clarke to anyone in uniform.

It was heartbreaking every time she had to tell him that they weren't his mama.

She pushed herself up from the bench. "Sorry. I'll be right back."

She didn't notice the bright smiles on all of her friends faces. Or that they all moved back to the picnic table to sit and watch her.

She was focused on Aden and on getting to this stranger that now had a little boy clinging to their leg.

Whoever it was was looking down at Aden, their hat coving their face from Lexa's view.

As she got closer, she heard Aden babbling away, telling the stranger all about his day so far and how he took care of Mommy and made sure everything was okay.

"Aden, baby. Come here real quick," Lexa called. Aden looked over his shoulder at her, sadly letting go of the person's leg and turning back to walk to Lexa, his head drooped low.

"Yes, Mommy?" he asked sadly.

Lexa knelt down in front of him, rubbing his back soothingly. "We've talked about this, buddy. Mama isn't coming home. She's--" she choked on the word, trying to figure out what to say. They had talked about it before, but Aden just didn't seem to get it. She may have to be a little more blunt with him, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. "She's just not coming back," she finally settled on.

Lexa kept her eye on Aden as the person in uniform dropped their bag onto the ground beside them.

"I'm sorry. You really don't have to stick around. He confuses people in uniform with his Mama. But she's--" she choked on the word again, deciding to just stop talking. She wiped at Aden's eyes as the expected tears started to flow. "Oh, baby. It's alright. I know it's confusing."

The stranger came closer, kneeling down behind Aden.

Lexa glanced up and then back to Aden.

And then she did a double take.

And started trembling.

Because it wasn't possible.

It just wasn't possible.

She'd read the papers. She'd signed the forms. There was just _no way._

The person removed their hat. "She's here," she said, her blond hair tumbling down from where she had secured it under her hat.

It was shorter than before, like it was only just starting to grow back to a reasonable length after being shaved off. And Clarke looked a lot worse than Lexa remembered. She looked haggard and bruised and scarred and like the most beautiful thing that Lexa had ever seen in her life.

"You're--" Lexa choked out.

"Mama's here, Mommy," Aden said happily. He turned around and looked up at Clarke. "Mama?" he asked, noticing the tears that were starting to fall from both his mothers' eyes.

"Yeah, baby. I'm here," Clarke said, pulling Aden to her. His arms wound around her neck as they clung to each other, and Clarke's eyes stayed glued to Lexa, even as she breathed in her son. "I'm here," she said again, this time speaking to Lexa.

And Lexa couldn't stop herself from launching at her wife. She couldn't even be sorry about knocking Clarke and Aden and herself to the ground as she held them both, clinging to the woman she _knew_ she had lost.

She was sobbing.

She was out in public, with people surrounding them (there was applause, she thinks), and she was sobbing in her wife's arms.

And her wife was crying as she pressed kisses to Lexa's face. "I'm sorry. I missed you. I'm so sorry. I'm never going again. I'm done. This is it. I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you. I love you," Clarke chanted nonsensically. She kept repeating herself, clinging tighter to Lexa.

Aden laughed in his moms' arms. He was only four, and Lexa couldn't really expect him to grasp what was happening. But he was laughing, and there were tears of joy leaking out of his eyes as he looked at his moms and cuddle between them.

And Lexa didn't _care_ if people were taping them on their phones or cheering for them or even just watching them. She didn't care that they had an audience. She didn't care about anything else that was happening around them.

Because she had Clarke back. Clarke _wasn't_ dead.

She was in her arms.

And Lexa didn't care that people were watching as she pulled Clarke up to sitting, as she straddled Clarke's lap. And she didn't care that people were still probably taping them as she grabbed the collar of Clarke's jacket.

And she definitely didn't care that they had an audience when she pulled Clarke too her and kissed her for the first time in over a year.

Because this? This felt a whole lot like her life was starting again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you I wouldn't hurt you! Are we all content with how this ended? I sure hope so. I had a lot of fun writing this one, and it was actually a bit emotionally draining, to be honest. But I still like how it turned out. It's been a good journey to take with y'all.
> 
> If you liked this, be sure to check out my other works that are up here on Ao3. I have a one shot that explores Lexa being in the military (there are parallels), and also a multi-chapter that's still in the works. That one is almost finished (ish. I keep adding to it as I'm writing, and more scenes are being thrown in) and is well over 250,000 words. So if you're looking for a long read, that's the one to check out.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always loved. I'd love to hear what you thought of this story. You can also find me on tumblr @musiclurv and we can talk some on there. Make sure to let me know that you're coming from Ao3 so I can follow you back!
> 
> Thanks for sticking around for the ride!


End file.
